I Know Your Heart
by kate-dammit-run
Summary: A series of post season 3 one shots. Picks up a few days after Jane wakes up as Remi. Some story speculation, a lot of character insight and interaction, some actual plot. Can be read as one complete story or standalone chapters.
1. Regroup

**I Know Your Heart**

I started this as a series of one shots all set after the season 3 finale as sort of my speculation for season 4. I wrote them and posted them on Tumblr out of order but I am not posting them here in order. There's not much plot as much as there's character studies and some story speculation. They pick up a few days after Jane wakes up as Remi and the next 30 parts take place during different times after that, including Kurt waking up after surgery, finding out the truth about Remi, her health deteriorating, etc... They make sense when read all together, but can also be read separately. I'd love to hear what you think of this! Enjoy!

* * *

 **Part 1 - Regroup**

 **Summary:** A few days after waking up in the hospital, Remi realizes the world she's woken up to is not at all the one she had left. Part of the I Know Your Heart series.

* * *

Remi sat in the chair next to the hospital bed where Kurt Weller lay unconscious. It wasn't really by choice as much as keeping up the act while she tried to figure out what was going on.

Patterson had gently touched her shoulder and told her it was ok to leave work early, that they would call her if anything came up and that she needs to be by Kurt– her husband– at a time like this.

And so she went along with the charade. Until she figured out what exactly was going on, and until she could fill in the blanks of the missing time, she had to play along and not let anyone on as to who she really was. It was strange at first having to answer to Jane, but at least that part she'd gotten the hang of by now. And if she were being honest, those few quiet hours she spent at the hospital really allowed her to think, put things together, analyze, calculate and regroup.

Regroup, she could hear the voice inside her head laugh at her. There was apparently no one left to regroup with.

Shepherd was in CIA custody and Roman was dead.

Hobbes, Cade, Borden– all in CIA custody.

Oscar, Markos, Parker, Danny– all dead.

There were a few people she figured were out there, but those were foot soldiers, lowly members who had been dispensable even then, she could not imagine what use they would be now, three years later.

She tried to gather all the intel she'd had so far an try to make some sense out of it. But she just couldn't wrap her mind around most of it. And the one thing that baffled her was her marrying Kurt Weller. She remembered that getting close to him had been part of their initial plan– her plan but it had never been mentioned that she would get that close.

And what baffled her even more was the timing. They had gotten married months after the FBI had stopped Phase Two, and Shepherd had been arrested and Roman had escaped. Had that been some new back up plan that was now gone from her memory? Something they had improvised to salvage whatever was left of the op?

Surely, her marrying Kurt Weller had to have been part of their plan; it had to. She could not imagine herself getting into such an arrangement for any other reason.

She was sure it had something to do with how she had let Roman go as the FBI stopped Phase Two. She had read the reports and laughed when she read how Jane could not make the shot. Surely if this Jane had half the marksmanship skills she did, then she would have made that shot. No, she was sure letting Roman go had been part of the back up plan. It had to be. The problem was, she just could not remember what it was. Letting Roman go and entering into this sham of a marriage with Weller had to be connected somehow.

But when she went over the most recent reports detailing Roman's actions over the past two years, his goals and his endgame, she failed to recognize any of it.

She had watched the video of Jane and Weller's wedding– not the actual thing but the part with Roman at the end. She was sure it had some hidden message for her. She had watched over and over and over, analyzing every single frame, looking for clues and hints and puzzles in every word he said and every move he made and every blink of his eyes. But still, she had found nothing. That must have been a way for him to get in touch with her, why else would he have gone into the trouble? She spent hours trying to look for something, anything, that would serve as a secret message or a hint or anything. But that had only left her even more confused.

But not as confused as what he had left her after his death. If any of the information on that drive was supposed to mean anything to her, it was all gone now. She didn't recognize any of the puzzles or the hints or the algorithms or the cyphers or the codes. And nothing baffled her more than why Roman– or why the both of them– had planned to take our Shepherd's premier investor. Apparently she had been the one to pull the trigger after Roman had spent deep under cover with him, destroying his organization from the inside. But the question remained– why did they plan this? What was it they were hoping to gain?

She'd spent hours digging through the FBI data base as well. Luckily, her clearance allowed her access to almost every corner of that data base– at least one aspect from their original plan was still intact. She had looked everywhere for crumbs she'd left herself– hidden messages or a trail of… anything that would lead her back to something that would explain what was going on, but she had found nothing. Again.

It was getting a little too frustrating.

She knew she had to have been wiser than to leave anything at the apartment she shared with Weller, but as she was getting more an more desperate, she decided to check. Luckily, she had the place to herself for the time being, so she practically tore the place apart looking for intel. She started with the typical places– loose floor boards, vents and ducts, fake cupboards. But once again, she found nothing. She wondered just how deep her cover must have been that she would not even leave herself a trail to follow back.

Surely, she could not have been the careless. Unless–

No, no. There was no way she had truly turned. There was no way that any of her actions had not been part of the plan. She could not have possibly chosen this life if there had not been an endgame in sight. That was no possible.

But the question remained– what had she been doing for three years? Why had she married Kurt Weller? Who was her current handler and why had they not made contact?

So much had happened and she needed information. She realized then, as she sat a few feet away from him that she needed Kurt Weller. She needed him to wake up and soon.

She knew he had the answers, or at least some of them. She knew she could quite easily get those answers out of him– especially in the condition he would be in.


	2. To Build a Revolution

**To Build a Revolution  
Summary:** Remi starts to put pieces back together.

It had been almost three weeks and she was done taking it slowly and playing the dutiful wife who spent hours by her sick husband's bedside holding his hand.

Gathering intel from the FBI had only gotten her so far. It was time to start putting things back into motion with whatever was left at her disposal. There was no way she could disappear and start anew, so she would have to go about this the way it was planned all along– using the FBI and her position within the team.

She could do this– not that she had much of a choice– but still, she could easily do this.

Maybe not easily, with so many odds stacked against her, but she'd seen worse odds.

She'd requested to see Shepherd, but the response had come in refusing it– not for any real reasons beyond Reade and Patterson reminding her of the last time and suggesting it was not a great idea in her condition. Of course, she did not remember the last time, but she'd said nothing. And she chose for the time being not to press the matter– wouldn't want to raise any suspicions.

Shepherd was being held at a CIA blacksite and the man charged with interrogating was Tom Carter's replacement; Jake Keaton.

Keaton. Jane remembered Shepherd talking about him when they were still laying out his plan. Get rid of the corrupt Tom Carter and get Jake Keaton to replace him. Keaton was a patriotic man– by Shepherd's standards– not worried about getting his hands dirty, not afraid of the grey areas, but he was a straight shooter, not corrupt like Carter. He was a man who could go home, have dinner with his wife, tuck his kids in bed and close his eyes with his conscience clear– while getting the work that needed to be done done.

Remi wondered how Shepherd felt about Keaton now that he was the one holding her in a black site.

She wondered if she had any orders to break Shepherd out. But she just couldn't remember. The case files said that she herself had escaped from a black site a few years ago. Surely, if she could make it out then the woman who taught her everything she knew could escape. Unless Shepherd being locked up was part of the plan.

Nothing made sense.

 _Nothing_.

According to the FBI case file, Shepherd had tried to kill her at some point during those three years. She always knew that her going into that bag was a suicide mission but she never imagined her own mother pulling the trigger. Granted, her feelings for Shepherd had not always been the warmest, but she would never deny that the woman had saved her and Roman and given them everything– but she'd also taken Avery away from her.

But she knew it was for the best. It made absolutely no sense for her to have a child. Not then, not now.

She was a soldier. She had no time for things like that.

Shepherd's situation was not the only one that did not make sense in the grander scheme. According to her own confession, she had killed Oscar. Her Oscar. She had killed him. She could not imagine what could ever compel her to do so. The plan was for him to be her handler, to the the one to bring her back if the memory wipe had been too severe. He was supposed to be her guiding light, her beacon back home.

And she had killed him.

 _Had he turned?_

The reports also claimed that Oscar had killed Markos.

And that Markos had made contact with her when he was not meant to.

What was he trying to tell her?

 _You can't trust them._

Who had Markos been referring to?

She would never know. And the only person who knew Markos well enough to maybe give her an answer was locked up. But not only that, Cade had been an NSA informant. A traitor. A deserter.

And the one person she had put her complete faith in protecting her– in protecting her mind– had also turned. Or so it seems. According to the files Borden had been a CIA informant.

The only person she truly trusted in this world was gone. Roman was dead, but before that had tried to kill her.

Remi tried to expand her research, to look into people that had supported their cause from a distance. but even then, she was out of luck.

Bob Drabkin was dead– killed by Crawford.

Crawford was dead– killed by her and set up by Roman.

Keele was dead– after having put a kill order on her.

She needed fixers. She needed people who could get work done and keep their mouth shut.

She needed contacts.

She tried to get things started in NYC, but she had to be careful. She could not act too conspicuous around one of the best FBI teams that was watching her closely– as the sick friend and the devastated wife they were all genuinely worried about.

Luckily, their being worried about her lent her some advantages. She used her situation to ask for some time to be alone and they offered her that without a second thought.

But still, it was not enough.

Another thing working to her advantage was that Roman's new clues referenced a lot of the originals. And those she knew quite well. There was no way she could travel on her own without raising too many flags. So when she finally made the link with one of the tattoos and a new hint, she thought she'd finally gotten her break.

 _Japan_.

She had someone there she could trust.

And from the looks of it, Roman had left something there for them to find.

She insisted on joining Reade on the mission and was surprised when her request was immediately approved. She was proud of how deep she'd managed to get within the team, how much access she was allowed for someone who was only considered a consultant.

With Reade focused on prepping and coordinating with local liaisons after they'd arrived, she managed to step out of their hotel, claiming she needed a walk to clear her mind.

She bought a burner phone a few blocks away from the hotel and made a call.

Half an hour later, she was standing at a busy street corner waiting for a meeting.

It was late in the evening and the street lights turned the dark night sky into a colorful display. Remi studied the people around her for a moment. And in return, a lot of people studied her. The white woman covered from head to toe in tattoos will turn heads no matter where she went in the world.

She stared at her hands, at the tattoos that covered every inch of her. She remembered the mock up images on the computer screens. She remembered her sketches, as well as Roman's and Oscar's. But it was still so strange seeing them all over her body. She wondered how Jane had reconciled with her body being like this.

She stared at her hands, at the ring that sat around her finger. It was the wrong ring. The wrong ring, she kept telling herself.

And yet, she could not shake the feeling of how comfortable and how familiar and how safe it felt wearing it.

She heard a car approaching, her contact had come through. She pulled her gloves out of her coat pocket, slipped them on and crossed the dark street to meet them.

It was time to get the revolution back on track and end this charade.


	3. A Richness of Lies

**Summary:** Remi's behavior makes a team member suspicious.

* * *

"I'll go with you," Remi said as Reade moved to leave the lab.

"It's ok, Jane," he replied calmly, "I'm just going to talk to him. We have nothing on Jameson yet so if you want you can go to the hospital-"

Remi shook her head, fighting the urge to roll her eyes, "no, that's fine," she said, "I'd rather go with you. I'll go to the hospital later."

Reade simply nodded. He figured it was easier for Jane to keep her mind off Kurt's state by keeping busy with the cases during the day. He could not imagine how painful it must be to just sit by a loved one's bedside and wait.

Rich watched them leave, keeping his eyes on Jane as they did, and let out a frustrated huff when they were out of sight.

"You ok?" Patterson asked from where she stood next to him.

"I'm fine," Rich mumbled, "listen, are you ok here on your own for a while? I gotta go out just for a bit."

"You are aware I ran this lab for years on my own before you got here," Patterson teased him.

"You're so mean," Rich groaned as he headed towards the exit.

Kurt's floor was one of the quieter ones at hospital, and considering he'd been there for almost two months now, Rich had become well acquainted with the staff who ran the floor. He winked at the head nurse as he made his way past their station and high fived one of the nurses as he walked past him. He spent the next hour or so in Kurt's room, updating him on their cases, which he knew Kurt would want to know, and also on the office gossip, which he knew he would never get away with had Kurt been conscious. Just before he left, he checked the drawer by Kurt's bed and left.

A few hours later, Rich casual walked into the locker when he knew Jane would be getting ready to leave. "Hey there," he said, leaning against a random locker, "off to see Kurt?"

Jane looked at him over her shoulder and nodded. "Umm, yeah," she said.

"Cool," Rich replied, "cool, cool, cool."

Jane threw him another look then went back to packing.

"Tell him I say hi," Rich said before leaving.

Shortly later, Patterson found him sitting in the lab. "What are you still doing here?" She asked as she logged out of her system.

He just shrugged and looked distant, deep in thought.

"What's with you?" She said as she walked to stand in front of him.

"Something's off with Jane," he said, turning to look at her.

Patterson looked at him quizzically and pulled a chair to sit down. "What are you talking about?" She asked him.

Rich sighed and was silent for a moment.

"I don't think she's been going to see Kurt," he admitted.

Patterson shook her head at him. "That's just ridiculous," she scoffed, "what on earth would make you think-"

"I've been going there every day," he said, "and I just know that she hasn't."

"You've been visiting him every day?" Patterson asked, "anyway," she cut him off before he could answer, "I'm sure Jane's been going to him, too."

"That's not what his nurses have told me," Rich said.

"How would they know?" Patterson defended her friend, "nurses change shifts all the time. Have you asked every single nurse of every single shift?"

Rich shook his head. "No," he admitted, "but-"

"If you say you've been tracking her phone, I'll punch you," Patterson threatened.

Rich closed his mouth and shook his head. "She's just been acting so… strange. Haven't you noticed?"

Patterson sighed and nodded. "Maybe… I guess," Patterson said, "but with everything she's going through, I wouldn't blame her. Who knows how someone is supposed to act when they're in a situation like hers? She just lost her brother, Rich, and haven't had to properly mourn him. She thought she was pregnant but instead learned she's suffering from an illness that has no cure. And to top it all off, her husband is lying in a coma, teetering between life and death."

Patterson got up and pushed the chair back in its place. "There's no exact recipe as to how a person should react or cope in such a situation," she told him, "so let's just be good friends and be there for them, ok?"

Rich gave her a look and then nodded.

"Good," she said, "I'll see you tomorrow. Go home, Rich."

Rich watched her leave and then did a quick scan of the lab, making sure he was all alone.

And then he pulled his tablet out and connected to the screens. He clicked a keys and watched as the screens filled up— a CCTV` image of Kurt's room, another of the waiting room in the hospital, another was a map with a dot labelled "Jane's phone".

A dot that was clearly moving in a direction that was neither in that of the dot identified as "hospital" and that labelled as "Jane and Weller's apartment".

With a heavy sigh, Rich fell into a chair and covered his face with his hands. "What the hell are you up to, Janie?"

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 **I really hope you guys are enjoying these. I know I am loving your reviews! I miss FFNet and plan to start posting here again more regularly.**


	4. Wake Up Call

**Part 4 - Wake Up Call  
** **Summary:** A missing team member returns after a long absence.

* * *

Everything felt so heavy.

Everything felt so heavy, and dark, and so so deep.

Kurt couldn't place the feeling but then, a few moments later, he was eight years old again. And he recognized why it felt so familiar. He was eight years old again and he was at the pool.

This was just like it. It was just like when he was eight and he'd dive into the deep end of the pool and swim all the way to the bottom. He'd hold himself down there, lips sealed shut, holding as much oxygen as he can in his lungs and he'd close his eyes until the darkness took over— until he'd hear nothing but the loud thumping of his heart that sounded strange and echoed under water, until he could hear his own blood in his veins and nothing else.

And just before the last bubble of air in his chest threatened to be lost, he'd open his eyes and look up. The sunlight broke through the water like little flakes of gold, the noises from up top reached him like garbled nonsense, deep and slow, like someone having fun with a cassette player, and so far away, the people by the pool side looked all squiggly and shaky and out of focus.

His chest would tighten, threaten to explode and the thumping of blood in his ears would become deafening before he'd finally push himself up off the bottom of the pool, resurfacing with a suffocating gasp and allowing all the sights and sounds that had been disorienting and disfigured a few moment ago to take shape again.

He'd squeeze his eyes shut for a moment, giving time for each of his senses to readjust, and once the noises started to make sense he'd open his eyes, squinting in the bright sunlight and then turning towards the edge of the pool where Taylor would be waiting, jumping up and down and waving at him. She was in charge of timing him to see how long he could stay under water while holding his breath.

He opened his eyes, turned towards her and waved back.

This felt exactly the same. The garbled sounds, the feeling of being deep in the darkness, drowning in a world where his senses failed to grasp on to reality and where he sound of his beating heart was all that echoed through his head.

But he wasn't surrounded by water.

His fingers felt numb. His arms felt heavy. His mouth was dry. And his chest, not tight with lack of oxygen, but dense and constricted and… in pain.

In fact, his whole body was in _excruciating_ pain.

He knew what he had to do. He knew he had to push up from the bottom of the pool.

Taylor was up there waiting.

No, not _Taylor_.

But someone was.

Out of all the scrambled and distorted sounds, he heard a voice.

He heard a voice of a child— of a little girl.

And while he was sure it wasn't Taylor, he was also sure he recognized the voice.

And so, he opened his eyes.

Just like resurfacing from underwater, his senses were overwhelmed and it took him a moment to regain some sense of the world around him.

And then his eyes fell on her— the three year old blond with piercing blue eyes.

"Hi daddy," Bethany waved at him from where she sat snuggling in Sarah's lap.


	5. He's Your Enemy

**Part 5 - He's Your Enemy**

 **AN:** A tiny little update. Remi reacts to Kurt's return.

* * *

 _He's your enemy,_ Remi reminds herself angrily, reprimanding her brain for slipping just then. She needs to remain focused on the mission, on the cause, on the plan. Whatever that other version had done over the past few years had caused some damage to their plan– Oscar was dead, Markos was dead, Shepherd was in CIA custody, and Roman-

She had to remain focused. They had worked too long and too hard for her to give up.

 _Kurt is your enemy,_ she tells herself again, closing her eyes, shutting them tight and bringing to mind everything she hates about him and what he represents and the corrupt government he serves. She reminds herself of all the terrible things that she'd lived through that had brought her here, to this pace, undercover among these people, living this life, just to make things right– to make them pay.

But then, as he passes behind her, he lets his hand brush against her shoulder, his thumb gently caresses the side of her neck, and he stops, just briefly to kiss the exposed skin there– and her body reacts in a way that makes her hate him even more. It makes her hate _her –_ Jane – even more.

She's not supposed to feel this way– not about him.

Especially not about him.

She's here to destroy him.

 _She's not here to fall in love with him._

* * *

 **AN2:** I know they have not started interacting just yet, but they will, soon enough. And it won't take Kurt too long to start to realize something's not quite right.


	6. Slipping Up

**Part 6 - Slipping Up**

Kurt's hunch wasn't enough. Just because she was eating meat again, or she had changed her wardrobe, was not enough to claim that Jane wasn't Jane.

Kurt was absolutely sure, he had no doubt whatsoever, but he'd only been out of his coma a few days, and the team has been working with _Jane_ for a few months now, and no one had picked up on any suspicious behavior.

So he waited until something did come up.

Remi had found the passports months ago. They were one of the very first things she had found when she'd searched the apartment for hints and clues her other self might have left her. And she had found the passports. She had smiled proudly at herself. Old habits die hard.

But she was yet to use them. She'd been traveling as Jane Doe and as part of the FBI team so far and it had been enough.

But when her network grew and expanded, and the FBI's international trips became less and less frequent, she had to start taking things on her own.

So she dug up those passports and put them to good use.

 _No one knows about them_ , she told herself.

Or so she assumed. She was convinced Jane had stashed them for this specific purpose– to be able to get around undetected by the FBI.

And so one morning, with a one day trip planned to London– Kurt and Reade had a weekend trip to DC– she grabbed her fake British passport and headed to JFK.

That was when both Patterson and Kurt's phones buzzed with an emergency alert.

* * *

 **AN:** So Kurt _has_ started to pick up on a few things, and yes, he will be confronting her very very soon... and no, it won't be pretty.


	7. Loyalties

**Part 7 - Loyalties  
Summary**: Time for Tasha to make an appearance, don't you think?

 **AN:** Blindspot-overwatch yes, I will be posting these here in order of the story (unlike what I did on Tumblr) so if you want to keep up with them here it would be easier and much less confusing.

* * *

She sank into her seat. Her rented car smelled funny and she wondered why she never splurged now that her employer had to problem with how much money she spent, especially on trips like these.

The sidewalks of this party street in Beirut were overcrowded, people spilled out of bars and pubs and onto the street until the line between in and out, between private and public space, were completely erased. Driving through the street was an impossible task until this people decided to call it a night and go home. And none of that was happening anytime soon, not until the early hours of morning.

And it was only a Tuesday.

But it didn't matter either way. Tasha's hotel was a short walk away. Her sitting in her parked car had nothing to with the inaccessible roads. She rolled her eyes when a couple leaned against the side of her car and proceeded to make out. Her gaze was focused on the other side at the small hole in the wall to her left.

She sighed as she watched the woman in the small hole in the wall order a drink and lean against the bar. It had been almost three months since she'd talked to any of them. And a part of her was aching to go in there and join her for a drink. She missed them— her old team, her former family. She'd caught glimpses of them on surveillance footage and street cameras as part of her new job description. But she hadn't really seen or talked to any of them since she walked out of the FBI and into her new life.

God, she missed them all.

She wished she could casually walk in and pull Jane into a hug. She knew she was sick and wanted nothing more than to check up on her, to ask her how Kurt was doing after his latest surgery, to catch up on Patterson and ask her how Reade was doing.

Hell, she even missed Rich!

She shook her head and closed her eyes. She took a deep breath and turned away. There was no way she could do any of that without ruining what she'd been working on for months— without ruining absolutely everything.

It was only then, when she'd managed to compartmentalize those emotions that she noticed that something was terribly off.

She watched the woman in there— he woman she was absolutely positive was Jane— her sit down across from a large bearded man who Tasha didn't need to double check to recognize. She herself had met with him the day before to arrange a sale for Blake.

He was only the number one weapons smuggler in the Middle East.

Why was Jane meeting with him?

As far as she could tell Jane was alone. Tasha knew very well how the FBI would work an op like that and she checked for all the tells— Jane was alone. She had no FBI back up with her.

And according to her intel, there was no currently active team in Beirut. And she was positive Reade was in NYC.

It was then that she noticed all the other suspicious details to the scene before her. Jane was different. It was small things— her hair, her clothes, her drink of choice, the way she was walking, talking and carrying herself around this man.

Something was terribly off. Tasha knew she no longer had the right to worry about them. She knew she'd burned that bridge a long long time ago. She gritted her teeth and reminded herself of where her priorities were. She reminded herself where her loyalty belonged.

But then from the corner of her eye she saw Jane hand the man a thick brown envelope– one not that different from the one Tasha had handed him a few days earlier.

And she felt the bitter taste in her stomach burn through her.

Tasha hesitated for a minute before she pulled a phone out of her purse— not her HCI issued phone but the other one, the one no one knew about. She snapped a few pictures quickly before she threw it back into her purse.

The next morning, a few hours before her flight to Frankfurt, Tasha found one of those cheap Internet cafes, the ones where no one asks questions about what sites you visit or what you choose to download or upload.

Tasha paid the young man at the counter the $5 it cost for half an hour of internet access and took a seat in front of one of the ancient looking machines.

The connection was terribly slow but it was enough for her to set up a new email address and upload the images she'd taken the night before.

She said a quick prayer that her friend still accessed this email account before she pressed send.

A few hours later, an ocean away, Patterson was grabbing coffee from the coffee shop a block away from the NYO when her phone buzzed with an incoming email alert.

She frowned at her phone when she realized what account was the one buzzing.

She hadn't used that one since she and Tasha had drunkenly created those fake dating site profiles one stupid evening a few years ago.

She rolled her eyes thinking that some sorry soul on www. cybersweethearts. com was trying to make contact with her.

She made a mental note to sign in and delete that account later when she got home that evening.

* * *

 **Next up... at last... Kurt confronts Remi.** Yes, it's finally _finally_ gonna happen.


	8. I Know Your Heart

**Part 8 - I Know Your Heart  
Summary:** the original drabble that started it all. Kurt confronts Remi. Basically the way I see it (because like I said there is not much plot here as much as character insights)- so after Kurt voices his doubts, and Rich chimes in, they decide to track her movements, and then when her passport is used and when Tasha emails the pictures to Patterson, they come to the conclusion that this is not Jane. And while Reade and Patterson and Rich work on squashing what Remi has been doing behind their backs, Kurt has another mission, another thing he has to do. And this is what I will be focusing on from now on in these drabbles.

* * *

It's in the small things that he notices the differences— in things that only he would notice, only someone who knows her so intimately, so personally, who knows her better than she knows herself at times.

She stops sketching every morning or when she wants to think. She stops borrowing his shirt that she's always loved. She starts drinking tea in he morning instead of coffee. She never craves those vegan burgers she'd always had at least once a week or grabs a bagel from across the street on the way to work.

She starts dressing differently as well— ignoring her simple plain t-shirts with her leather jackets and favoring more button up shirts, coats and scarves. It's the small things around the office as well that catch his attention. She stops refilling his coffee without him noticing whenever she goes to the break room. She never borrows his hoodie from his locker when she gets cold. She reacts more annoyed than amused to Rich's comments and never enjoys the nerdy banter in the lab with Patterson.

He denies it at first, refusing to admit what is clearly evident in front of his eyes. He tries to pretend that it is only the side effects of what she is going through, spends countless hours reading and rereading the medical reports and findings that Roman had left them trying to find excuses to her behavior.

But he doesn't need science. He doesn't need confusing medical terms and hypothesis. He knows the truth. He knows his wife. He knows Jane. His heart knows the truth.

It's late one evening when they're home watching TV, she takes her spot on the opposite side of the couch and he lifts the pillow off his lap, waiting for her to stretch out and rest her legs there, but she just crosses her legs and turns towards the TV.

He turns to her then, a blank look on his face and says, "I know who you are."

* * *

 **AN:** and so it begins. The Kurt vs Remi battle is on. A battle of wits and and a battle of hearts.


	9. Now We Talk

**Part 9 - Now We Talk  
Summary:** this picks up exactly where part 8 ended. Kurt and Remi finally go head to head. no more lies and no more pretending. It's gonna get ugly! Kurt won't hold back. Of course you know Remi won't either. Enjoy!

* * *

"So, are you going to arrest me?" Remi said with a smug smile as she leaned back against the back of the couch and crossed her arms.

Across from her, standing by the kitchen stools, Kurt shook his head. "No, I'm not," he admitted calmly.

"Why not?" she replied, "is it because I look too much like her and you're a little too lovestruck."

Kurt smiled and again shook his head. He walked over and sat on the chair by the couch. "No," he said, "because I arrested you once before and I vowed I would never do that again."

Remi chuckled, her eyes rolling at his words. "You're pathetic," she said, "you've never arrested me. You arrested _her_ – I read the reports– you arrested her because she failed to maintain her simple cover."

"You're the same person– you and Jane," Kurt said, and as much as he currently hated it, he believed those words.

" _Please_ ," Remi laughed, "I'm not her. And she's not me. We just inconveniently share this body."

Kurt shook his head again an leaned forward, resting his elbows against his knees. "You're wrong," he said, "you share more than that. Just like she always had your memories but just had trouble accessing them, you still have all her memories. We just need to find a way to get them back. She' as much a part of you as you were always a part of her."

"You make me sick," Remi said, "you honestly think I believe that you believe that? You're telling me Boy Scout Kurt Weller would've married _Jane Doe_ if he believed that there was a terrorist lurking under the surface."

"Believe what you will," Kurt said, "I know who I married. I know the woman I fell in love with–"

"And now you're going to try and get her back," Remi sneered, "awwww, how romantic… and how exactly are you going to do that? As far as I know there is no drug to bring back memories. There's no reverse ZIP. Just accept it, Weller, you're stuck with me. And I'm not Jane."

Kurt shrugged and leaned back against his seat. "You're still her," he said, "I don't need any drugs to bring her back. I just need to remind you of who you really are."

"Pathetic… Answer me this, if you're not going to arrest me, what's stopping me from getting up and leaving right now because I am definitely not interested in sticking around to see how you plan on getting Jane back because if it involves watching that sickening wedding video…" Remi said and made a face, "you do know I'm quite capable of disappearing and you'll never find me again."

"You're not going anywhere," Kurt said.

"Who's going to stop me?" Remi taunted him, "You? You couldn't stop me if you _didn't_ have that pesky gaping hole in your side. I can take you out with my eyes closed."

"I'm not going to fight you," Kurt replied.

"Too noble to hit a woman?" Remi laughed.

"I would never hurt my wife," he said calmly.

"When are you going to get it through your thick skull? I. Am. Not. Your. Wife," Remi spat out angrily.

Kurt gave her a smile and got up, going to the kitchen to grab a glass of water.

"So? How are you going to stop me from leaving if you're not going to arrest me and you're not going to fight me?" Remi asked again.

When Kurt just shrugged again and said nothing, Remi shot up to her feet, she had enough of this. Standing up so fast, sent her through another dizzy spell. She pressed her palms against her head, shutting her eyes tightly and swearing.

"Dizzy again?" Kurt asked as he started walking towards her.

"Stay back!" she hissed at him and for a moment he complied. But then, he took another step and wrapped an arm around her waist. She felt too weak and too faint to fight him off. And she was sure if he had not been holding her, she would have collapsed to the ground again.

"It's not the zip this time," he whispered, "it's a nice little gift from Rich, one of his own personal creations."

Kurt gently helped Remi to sit back down against the couch. "There's no use fighting it. You're going to feel weak and tired. Your muscles will start to relax and feel heavy."

He want back to his chair and sat down, watching her as she stared back at him, eyes wide and full of anger.

"Don't worry, it has very little side effects," he said, "I made sure of it. It won't react with whatever the ZIP is doing to you. It just affects the muscles. You're going to stay fully awake and fully aware."

Kurt leaned back against the couch and crossed his arms.

"And now, we're going to talk," he said calmly.


	10. Second Chances

**Part 10 - Second Chances**

 **Summary:** This picks up right where part 9 ended.

* * *

"You… you drugged me?" She asked, her body feeling heavier and heavier with every passing minute.

"I did," Kurt replied, "I figured it was the only way to get you to hear me out without you running off."

"What makes you think I want to listen to anything that you have to say?" She replied, "what makes you think I won't use anything you tell me against you."

"I don't know that you won't," he said, "but i won't be able to live with myself if I don't try."

She watched him go to the kitchen and return with a glass of water and place it in front of her. She obviously couldn't reach for it and drink if she wanted to. They both knew it. And she knew if did need a drink, he'd have to be the one to do it. She hated how much control he suddenly had.

"You know what I think?" He said as he sat down, wasting not time to get straight to it, "I think you don't even want to get out of here. You know why?"

She rolled her eyes and purses her lips at him.

"Because you need us. Whatever you think you're planning on doing, you still need our resources to do it," he said calmly, "but that's not the only reason. I think you're curious."

"What on earth would I be curious about? I know everything there is to know about all of you," she replied, "I spent two years of my life studying you, watching you, learning about every single pathetic weakness you have."

"Not about me. Not about the team. You might think you know us. You probably do," he said and then smiled briefly, "but you no longer know yourself. You're missing three years of your life and there's so much to learn about. I think you're more curious about Jane than anything else. The person you've been for the past three years. Who she was and what she did. You're intrigued. You want to know. Need to know. To understand how things turned out the way they did."

She tried to look away, to hide the look in her eyes that was admitting her was right.

"And I'm the only one who could give you these answers," he added confidently, "and you know what I also think? I think you might be slightly jealous as well. Of Jane. Of the second chance she got and the life she had… the life she has."

"I'm not jealous," she but back.

"Maybe not yet," he said, "or maybe you're not ready to admit it."

They were silent for a long moment, Kurt studying the ring on his finger and Remi studying him.

"I'm trying to help you," he whispered gently.

"You're trying to get Jane back," Remi chided, "you're trying to turn me into Jane… or whatever this experiment is."

"There's no _turning_ involved. I'm not trying to erase you, Remi," his words were careful, gentle even, and his use of her name made her uncomfortable, "I cannot imagine how terrible it is to have a part of your life missing. I know how much it pained Jane to have her memories gone. I am just trying to help you."

"You think if I remember those three years I'll go back to being her? Is that what you want?" she argued.

"I don't know," he admitted sadly, "I have no idea what will happen if you do remember– what or who you choose to be."

He took a deep breath and moved closer to her. "I just want you to realize that you can be so much more than Shepherd led you to believe you can be, than she morphed you into being," he told her, "she's not in control of you anymore. _You_ are in control and you are stronger than her, the her voice in your head and the years of brainwashing she'd put you through."

Remi studied him for a moment, her gaze locked with his and it unnerved her that she knew he was telling the truth just then. He genuinely believed that.

"So you think I'm an inherently good person? What kind of stupid notion is that?" she said.

"I do."

"Why?" her anger bubbled through every word she said.

"Because I know your heart," he whispered softly.

If she still had control over her body then, she was sure she would have punched, or at least gotten up and left.

"The only difference between the two of you is that Jane got to experience something you were never allowed to," he said, "and I think you deserve to. You deserve a second chance just like she did and I think you'll make the right choices when the time comes."

"The right choice being I become Jane again?" Remi said.

Kurt shrugged.

"I don't know," he admitted sadly, "but at least it would be your choice. I owe you that much. You owe yourself that much."

"And if I stay, you'll tell me everything?" she asked daringly.

He nodded, "I will."

"Fill all the gaps and answer all my questions?" she asked again– her tone this time less challenging and more genuinely inquisitive.

"Yes," he confirmed.

"No matter how bad it makes you look?" she asked and while he winced at the question, he nodded.

She studied him for a moment, her gaze switching between him and her hands that sat idly in her lap, the wedding ring on her finger the only thing shimmering with life.

She caught his gaze once again and realized that she knew he was telling the truth. She wasn't sure where that knowledge came from– whether it was the months of studying before infiltrating the FBI or from someplace currently lost in the fog of her brain. But she knew he was not lying– it felt like an intimate knowledge that there is a burdened vow sitting between them that he would never lie to her.

His sincerity was infuriating and her trust in him more so even. But she knew this was her best shot. He was her best shot at figuring out what the hell was happening.

And so this time, when she looked back up at him, she nodded.

* * *

 **Next up:** we see a little bit of Avery before we finding out what else Kurt is up to in his attempt to get his Jane back and help Remi/Jane find a cure for the ZIP poisoning.


	11. Mother

**Part 11 - Mother  
Summary: **Avery confronts Remi and it's hard for both women.

* * *

"You abandoned me," Avery snarled at her, crossing her arms and gritting her teeth and looking every bit like her mother in her anger.

"No," she replied, "no, I didn't! Shepherd took you away. I had no choice-"

"You had fifteen years to find me," Avery replied, her tone surprisingly calm and collected, "but you chose to run away. It's what you do. It's what you always did."

"That's not true," she argued back, fighting against the tears that she felt stinging behind her eyelids, "I was a child myself. I didn't know what else to do."

"What about after? You could have looked for me. You could have at least tried," Avery said, "you had access to all sorts of information. You're telling me you couldn't find me with all that access to intel? You didn't even bother. You were too busy being a terrorist."

"You don't understand! You _wouldn't_ understand!" she yelled at the young image of her sitting across from her.

"I do understand," Avery replied, "I understand perfectly. I know that you had fifteen years to look for me but you didn't. But Jane on the other hand, she only knew about for a few weeks before she risked her life to find me and save me."

Remi hissed, rolling her eyes at the mention of that woman, and she shook her head. "Is this some kind of joke?" she said, "that woman is no one. She's fake, just a hollow empty nobody that failed at performing a simple task. But don't worry, she's gone now. So don't bother hanging all your hopes on her."

"She's more worthy than you'll ever be," Avery bit back.

"Accept it. She was never anyone. _I'm_ your mother. I'm the one who sacrificed -"

"You sacrificed nothing," Avery replied, "you're a coward. You were a coward then and you are a coward now. All I know is, Remi abandoned her child but Jane… Jane is the one who got her back. Jane found me. Jane saved me and brought me back home. And I _will_ return the favor."

" _Jane_ is my mother."


	12. Our Jane

**Part 12 - Our Jane  
Summary: **Kur and Avery share a moment.

* * *

"I'm sorry this is happening and you're caught in the middle of it," Kurt said as he gently squeezed Avery's shoulder, "but I have to admit, I'm glad you're here. I don't know if I could've gone through this alone."

Avery shook her head. She wasn't sure she was doing much to help. It was Kurt and the team who were working endless hours trying to find the cute before it was too late.

"I'm… I'm not doing anything," she said as she shook her head, "I feel so… useless. I wish there was -"

"You'e doing plenty," Kurt reassured her, "trust me. You are. I can't imagine having to go through this without you. The team are great and everything, but everyone is so focused on the case… and I don't blame them, but…"

"They don't have to go back home to it as well," Avery whispered and Kurt nodded.

"It feels like you're the only other person who understands what it's like," Kurt said, "who knows her like I do, in ways the team don't."

They sat in silence for a moment, something they had been doing a lot of in recent weeks as they both got lost in their own thoughts.

"I remember when you told me about Jane when we first met," Avery said breaking the silence, "in Berlin. The way you were describing her…"

She trailed off for a moment, her gazing catching his and they both smiled briefly. "I told myself that he had to be lying," Avery continued, "or at least he's so in love with this woman, his description of her had to be the most biased thing ever. I mean, n one would talk badly about their wife, especially not to her daughter."

Kurt nodded. He remembered how stubborn Avery had been, refusing to accept anything other than the narrative that this woman abandoned her and was horrible for doing so.

"But then I met her and I got to know her and I understood… I understand that what you said about her then had all been the truth," Avery admitted, "I know I've only known her for a few months but I would not trade them for anything."

Kurt smiled again and gave Avery's shoulder another squeeze as she wiped away her tears.

"You spent eighteen months searching the world for her before, and you told me that if she knew about me she would walk to the ends of the earth to find me," Avery said confidently, "and I think we owe her not to give up on her now."

"We won't," Kurt replied stubbornly, "she's still in there somewhere and we will get her back."

Avery nodded, giving up on stopping her tears, and she felt Kurt pull her slightly towards him. She allowed him to do so and closed the gap, hugging him fiercely and accepted his embrace in return.

"We're getting our Jane back," he whispered, "I promise."

* * *

 _Don't worry, we will get back to seeing Kurt and Remi together soon enough and see how Kurt's plan to "deal with Remi" is going. But before that, there's one more visit from someone_ _unexpected before we get back to those two._


	13. A Mother Deserves to Know

**Part 13 - A Mother Deserves to Know**  
 **Summary:** Kurt goes to an unlikely source to get intel on the ZIP poisoning.

* * *

It was probably not the smartest idea. It was _definitely_ not the smartest idea. But they were running out of options and they were desperate. Jane's condition was not improving and Roman's intel was getting them nowhere.

And they knew that times like these required desperate measures.

And Keaton was definitely not happy about it.

"I don't think you understand how this works," he told Kurt, "but we don't arrange field trips for our high level prisoners whenever the FBI feels like having a chat."

"This isn't a game, Keaton," Kurt hissed at him.

"Oh, just because your wife is connected doesn't mean she gets special treatment," Keaton taunted him.

"If it wasn't for Jane, you wouldn't even have Shepherd," Kurt replied.

Keaton eventually gave in but instead of having Shepherd come to them, this time, Kurt went to her. There was no reason for her and Jane to be in the same building, not now anyway.

"Doesn't the FBI know how to solve cases on their own anymore?" Shepherd asked, smirking as she watched Kurt sit down across from her, "or are you just politely returning the visit?"

"I'm here to tell you something," Kurt replied somberly, "two things actually."

Shepherd sat back and studied Kurt closely. He'd always had this serious demeanor about hum and this time was no different– except that it was. He was not looking at her in anger or hatred. There was something else there. There was something she had never seen before and did not recognize.

Kurt didn't know how else to say what he was there to say except than to just say it.

"Roman's dead," he said, the quickly added a whispered and genuine, "I'm sorry."

Shepherd's face went blank, her jaw twitched and she looked down. She closed her eyes for a moment before she looked back at Kurt.

"Did… did Jane do it?" she asked, her voice shaking for what must have been the first time in her life.

Kurt shook his head, knowing the relief she must feel about that probably matched his. "No," he told her, "she didn't… but she was there with him. He wasn't alone."

He did not know why he felt the need to comfort this woman as he relayed this news to her. She was his enemy, always have been and always will. But still, as he informed a woman of the passing of her child, all of that just disappeared and what remained was a grieving mother.

A moment later, Shepherd nodded, twisted her cuffed hands and squared her shoulders.

"You said there two things," she said blankly.

Kurt nodded, swallowing against the lump that formed in his throat as he prepared for the second piece of information.

"We need your help regarding ZIP. Apparently it has some serious side effects," he said, trying his best to compartmentalize his own feelings– failing miserably as his eyes began to well– "it's… it's poisoning Jane. She's dying."

* * *

 _One of my favorite scenes in season 3 was the confrontation between Kurt and Shepherd and I just had to write this. Will Shepherd come through? You'll have t wait and see. Next up, back to the Weller's apartment!_


	14. Princess

**Part 14 - Princess  
Summary**: Remi overhears Bethany's bedtime story. So essentially in my version of events, Remi is "under house arrest" with Kurt while the team cleans up the mess she made while roaming around as Remi. They're also looking for the cure because she is still sick. Shepherd may or may not have given them intel, you will find out later, but no Kurt did not tell her Remi is back. And what Kurt is trying to do is not erase Remi or treat her as Jane. He is treating her as Remi but he is showing her that she has other choices than the one Shepherd gave her, that is she wanted to, she can make new choices and draw a new path for herself. And he is stubborn with regards to his stance that this woman is still his wife, no matter what... this will get clearer with upcoming chapters I hope. But for now, this little drabble.

* * *

Remi stands in the doorway, listening to Kurt as he Skypes with his daughter.

"You want a bedtime story?" Kurt asks the toddler on the screen and the girl who looks so much like her father nods.

"Yes, daddy," Bethany— or Little Bee as Remi has learned they referred to her— replies.

Remi fights the urge to roll her eyes but doesn't leave her place, making sure she's out of Weller's line of sight.

"Which one?" Kurt asks as he leans back against the headboard of his— their— bed.

"Ninja Princess!" She hears the little girl squeal excitedly and Remi is sure she's never heard of that one— she knows about the sleeping princess, and the glass slipper princess, and the one with the freakishly long hair— she assumes it must be a new one she missed out on in recent years.

But then she watches as Kurt smiles and nods. And then as he begins, and as she starts to understand what the story is, she finds herself sliding down along the wall and sitting down in the hallway, just outside the bedroom to listen to the story of the girl who grew up in an orphanage and then got adopted by an evil woman; the story of a girl who was so smart and so strong and grew up to be a strong and tough warrior and managed to escape from her evil stepmother and save her friends and the whole world from terrible things.

She's about to get up and walk away— make a stop in the bathroom to wash her face— when she hears the little girl say:

"Daddy, you forgot the part where she falls in love with the prince and they get married."

* * *

 _The rating for the next chapter will go up just a bit. It won't be smut but just shy of. So you've been... warned I suppose?_


	15. Loving You

**Part 15 - Loving You  
Summary: **"Negotiations" between Kurt and Remi take and unexpected turn.  
 **Warning:** **_This chapter has a higher rating than the rest of the of the fic. If it is not your thing, please go ahead and skip it. Thank you._**

* * *

It was a dare– that much he was sure of– a challenge. It was another way she was trying to get under his skin to get him to give up what he was trying to do.

"You would never cheat on your wife," she'd said and he had shook his head confidently.

He'd been telling her about the eighteen months apart they were forced to spend when she'd asked him that question– taunting him with a raised eyebrow and a smirk– and he'd unequivocally denied that he'd even been tempted during that time to even look at another woman,

"Not even with someone who looks like her? Sounds like her? Smells like her?" she moved closer towards him as she spoke, slow deliberate steps, and when she reached him, her fingers flitted against his arm, "Feels like her?"

She was standing right in front of him then, barely any distance between them, and her breath was warm against his chin as she tilted her head up to look at him.

"It wouldn't be cheating," he replied.

 _This is still Jane. This is still Jane. This is still Jane._

That had been his mantra– his silent reminder every time he came close to giving up on what he was doing.

"Oh, no? Do you honestly believe that?" she laughed and brought both hands up to his neck, touching him just right, her muscle memory betraying her as she touched him in a way Remi shouldn't know about, only Jane.

He smiled and leaned forward, his nose brushing hers just lightly and he replied, "you're still as much her now as she was ever you then."

Her breath hitched when she felt his fingers at her waist, sneaking just below the hem of her shirt. "I know exactly what you like it and how you like it," he whispered into her ear, his breath against her neck and she cursed under her breath.

"You know nothing," she hissed back, silently urging her body to move back, her arms to retract from around his neck, her fingers to stop tracing his skin.

But her body was betraying her– rebelling against every rational thought in her and on a quest of their own.

And for a moment she forgot why she had even started this, forget who was the one with the upper hand here.

"You have no idea how wrong you are," he whispered again, allowing his hands to travel up, just a few inches but enough to cause her to close her eyes again and bite her lip. "You've told me. You've told me everything about what you like and how you like it. And I've discovered a few things of my own."

His hands suddenly left her skin, falling back by his side and the whimper that escaped her lips was the worst sound she'd ever heard.

They hadn't even kissed yet– well they haven't ever since he'd found out the truth– and she suddenly felt she would die if she did not kiss him then.

 _Only to teach him a lesson,_ she told herself, _only to prove to him I am not her. Only to prove to him he knows nothing about me._

She finally found the strength to bring her hands down and she laid them flat against his chest, for a moment, before she smiled wickedly at him and shoved him back, sending him against the wall with a thud. And she kissed him. It was hard and more an assault than a kiss– more a punishment than a gesture of love.

And to her surprise, he played his part just as fiercely, his fingers digging through her waist, and when they pulled back, both breathless, she didn't dare look at him, not straight away.

"I bet you never let yourself get rough with her," she growled at him.

One hand went to her back and he grabbed a fistful of her shirt. While the other went to her face, a curled index finder under her chin brought her face up to look at him and she could feel his heavy breathing against her cheek. "Oh, you bet we did," he replied.

"Hmmph," she rolled her eyes at him and wanted to look away because she was getting dangerous close to kissing him again. But his hand that half her face kept her gaze locked with his. And despite the fire in his eyes, his touch was furiously gentle. His thumb went to her cheekbone and his fingers got lost in her hair.

"Sometimes it was rough," he whispered, "other times, fun and playful and teasing," he moved closer, brushing his cheek against hers, smiling when a soft moan escaped her lips, "and sometimes it was slow and sweet and tender and would last forever."

She felt her heart racing in her chest, and the way she was pressed against him– something she was doing, leaning her body against his where she'd shoved him against the wall– made her realize his was too. Once again, her body was acting of its own accord and she wondered who was in charge– not whether it was her or Kurt, but if it was her or Jane.

She figured the only way to shut him up– and shut that ridiculous voice in her head that was starting to sound like him– was to occupy his lips with something else. Her lips.

And so she kissed him again.

And the kiss that had started just as bruising as the previous one suddenly slowed down when the fingers in her hair started to gently stroke her skin, his thumb brushing her cheek, and the other hand released its death grip on her shirt and found its way under it.

A whimper of protest– or at least that's what she hoped it sounded like– bubbled through her and she tried to push him away, but he held on to her.

And she somehow found her arms snaking around his neck and holding him closer. She couldn't understand how her body was acting in exact opposition of what her brain was telling it to do. And if she was honest, or if she had not been too clouded by the need to be closer to him, by the need for him, she would have said she wasn't too surprised when her hands went to his waist, her fingers looping into his belt and she started to pull him back with her towards the bedroom.

He knew they needed to stop this. He knew _he_ needed to stop this. This was wrong— all _wrong_. It was a game— a power play. At least that was how it had started, but he wasn't sure anymore. Was she truly willing to let it go this far? Was he?

When she started fumbling with the buttons of his shirt, he wondered again if she was just waiting for him to grab her wrists and put an end to this— to be the one to admit defeat so she can hold this against him— to hold his weakness against him and claim victory in this round.

But then his fingers were tracing up her sides, following the lines of her tattoos that he had committed to memory, she moaned again and the sound of it shook him to the core. He knew she wasn't playing anymore. Or at least he thought he did.

But the way she felt under his touch— the way she smelled, the way she tasted and moved and touched him— the way she sounded and the way she reacted to him-

The way she whispered his name, breathless and needy and pulling him to a place that had always felt like home-

This was still Jane. It had never been easier than it was then to believe that underneath it all— she was still Jane. _His_ Jane.

She felt her leg bump into the edge of the bed and suddenly she was relieved. She turned them around and shoved him back. He fell into the bed and she took the opportunity to take a step back, catch her breath and regain some control of the situation.

She was not expecting him to last this long. She thought he'd be far more in control, to not let this get out of hand, to put a stop to it before it got this far.

She was not expecting him to be able to do these things to her.

He did not reach for her. She assumed his own thoughts were battling just like hers and he needed this moment as much as she did. She caught a glimpse of him, briefly, his chest rising and falling rapidly his shirt disheveled and his fists grabbing to the bed sheets.

 _Good_ , she thought to herself.

But then her body hummed, begging her to go back to him, needing him, wanting him in a way she'd never needed or wanted anyone before.

She gritted her teeth and cursed– audibly this time.

He wasn't supposed to be able to do this to her. He wasn't supposed to know her body like this. He was not supposed to know how to touch her and where to kiss her.

This was her body. _Hers._ It was not Jane's. It was not _his._

She growled as she opened her eyes and walked back towards him, stopping just short of the bed, and nudging his leg with her knee.

"Why are you doing this?" she asked him and watched as he lifted up just enough to look at her, holding his weight against his elbows.

"Why are you?" he asked defiantly.

"I asked you first," she replied, knocking his other leg with her knee and coming to stand between his legs.

"You started it," he replied and she grunted, fisting her palms and fighting the urge to hit him.

Slowly, he sat back up all the way and even though she could see him bringing his hands back up to her hips and wanting nothing more but to shove them away, her body involuntarily leaned forward welcoming– inviting– his touch.

She allowed him to pull her down, onto his lap, and allowed his fingers to find they way back against her inked skin, already addicted to his touch, craving it, in ways she could not understand– in ways she hated so much.

"I don't know what _your_ excuse is," he whispered as he rested his forehead against hers, "but you have to understand that I'll always want you. I'll always need you."

She shuddered at his words, and at his hands that had moved to her thighs. " _Jane,"_ she said bitterly, "you'll always want Jane. You'll always need _Jane."_

He shook his head and chuckled, pulling back enough to look into her eyes. "I don't care what name you use," he whispered heavily, "you're still my wife."

She gritted her teeth and tried to pull away, to pull back, but even without the drugs this time, her body refused to comply.

"Jane was missing thirty years of her life," Kurt said, "and you are missing three years." he felt an involuntary chuckle bubble through his throat.

"You're two parts of one puzzle… whatever name you choose to go by, you're still my wife, the woman I fell madly in love with," he said, realizing just how absurd he sounded just then, "why must I love you less now than I did then?"

"Because I'm hellbent on destroying you and everything you care about," Remi replied bitterly.

Kurt nodded solemnly and then slowly brought one hand up to her chest, resting it above her heart that was screaming loudly in her chest, and then took her hand and placed it above his own heart, the rhythm of which was matching hers.

"Are you sure that's still the case?" he whispered, leaning forward until his lips just brushed against hers.

She half moaned and half growled at him, shoving him back against the bed and sprawling herself on top of him.

And she was kissing him again, pulling his lower lip between her teeth when his hands started pulling her shirt up.

And then, just her fingers found the buttons of his jeans, she felt him grab her wrist and flip them over, his body hovering over hers for the first time, his weight on top strangely more comforting, more familiar, than suffocating, than foreign, and he pulled back, trying to catch his breath for a moment before he was off of her.

"I'm going to take a shower," he whispered and with one last glance at her, he was gone.

* * *

 _Well, you cannot really blame these two to be so conflicted by their feelings and the situation they find themselves in and this undeniable attraction between them. This will prove to be a turning point in their "relationship", but what direction will it take them?_


	16. With This Ring

**Part 16 - With This Ring  
Summary: **It's an innocent enough question. Remi/Kurt.

* * *

"Why do you still wear it?" he asked her with genuine curiosity.

There were no more any pretenses between them. Everything had been laid out in the open, as open and as honest and as painful as it had been. He was never going to give up.

"You're my wife and you're sick," he would say, "and our wedding vows were clear about the _in sickness and in health_ part, so I'm not going anywhere."

And she needed him, maybe, at times, she felt more than he needed her. Her mind was failing her day after day, and if she was ever going to complete her mission, she needed that cure and she knew it made more sense logically to stick with him and his team because that was the fastest way to find it.

That was it. It just made sense. It was logical. Nothing more, nothing less.

He caught her off guard with that question and for a moment she just stared at him until her gaze followed his and she found him staring at the ring on her finger.

She bit her and racked her brain trying to find an answer– preferably one that got under his skin and frustrated him. But then before she could answer, he'd gently taken her hand and started tracing the ring so softly it boiled her blood.

"You don't have to," he said, "if you want to take it off-"

"Do _you_ want me to take it off?" she asked, "it is, after all, Jane's and not mine."

And that was the perfect reply. He shot her a look, one that she's come to recognize every time she separated herself from Jane like that, and dropped her hand.

"I'm just saying if it makes you uncomfortable, you can take it off," he said and walked away.

She found him in the bedroom a few minutes later and sat down next to him, glancing over at the ring on his finger before she spoke.

"There's something unnervingly comforting about it," she said quietly.

He looked at her and nodded.

"Oscar?" he asked and for a moment she felt like she could not breathe.

 _Yes,_ she told herself. Tell him yes and get it over with. He won't hold it against you. He was, after all, painfully and annoyingly understanding when it came to her memory loss.

But instead, she felt herself shake her head.

"Not Oscar," she admitted.

"Then why?" he asked again.

She took a deep breath and got up, slowly made her way to the door before she turned back around to face him.

"Because I'm your wife," she whispered, turning around and walking away.


	17. Every Little Girl's Dream

**Every Little Girl's Dream  
Summary: **Remi watches the video.

* * *

"You guys really went all out," she commented off hand as he walked into the living room. He looked at her and she just gestured towards the TV. He looked over and saw her watching their wedding video.

"You watched it?" he asked and she just shrugged, picking up the remote to pause the video.

He had never suggested that she did, and even though she rolled her eyes at it a few times, they never really talked about it. Their wedding day was something special, the most important day of his life, and as much as he wanted Remi to find and regain her memories from her life as Jane, he did not want to use their special day as tool for that.

It was far too precious to become that.

He watched the pause image on screen and just shrugged, trying his best to prevent any emotions from washing over. He walked over to the kitchen and felt her get off the couch and follow him. She sat down at one of the stools and watched him as he grabbed the juice from the fridge.

"You got a wedding planner and all, didn't you?" she taunted him, "those video messages are cheesy, don't you think? and the-"

""What do you want, Remi?" he suddenly snapped and looked up at her, his eyes boring through her with a rage she had not seen from him, not since he figured out who she was.

She'd obviously hit a nerve.

She looked away, absently staring out towards the terrace for a long few minutes. He poured himself some juice and took his glass, leaning against the counter and watching her.

"You both look very happy," she whispered, "it's… it's all very pretty and idyllic."

He was shocked at her admission, her gaze still fixed away from him, and he nodded. "It was," he whispered.

"I never thought… I never imagined– you know how little girls always dream of their wedding day?" she whispered and he nodded silently.

"I never allowed myself that," she admitted.

Kurt nodded. He'd figured as much, even before he'd met Remi, but Jane never really remembered enough for them to delve into that topic.

"But you were engaged? To Oscar," Kurt added and Remi shrugged, finally turning around to look at him.

"We were," she said, "but even then… I think a part of me always knew that day would never truly come so I never bothered to think of it."

"What do you mean?" Kurt asked.

"We were engaged, that's true," she said, "but we never actually talked about what comes after that. We never talked about getting married or the wedding or what happens after we get engaged."

"I guess I always knew that something would come along to put an end to the engagement," she said, "and I think we mostly did it because I knew Shepherd wouldn't allow it to happen. So it was just to be a thorn in her side for as long as can."

"You didn't love him?" he asked, a question he'd always had running through his mind but never dared to ask.

"I guess I did," Remi said biting her lip, "I don't know if it was ever the kind of love that… that you and Jane have. Life under Shepherd was never conducive to anything healthy, and my relationship with Oscar was a part of that world."

"I'm sorry," Kurt said.

"No, you're not," Remi mumbled.

"I am," he said again, rounding the counter to come to stand in front of her, "I'm sorry you've had to live in that world, under Shepherd's control and not allowed to live a normal life and to experience good things."

Remi squared her jaw and glared him down, not allowing any real emotions from replacing the anger she held.

He reached over, brushing his fingers against her shoulder briefly, "but you still can," he said, "the choice is yours. You can still make the right choices and change the past. You can still make a better future for yourself."

* * *

Is Kurt finally getting through to Remi? Or is she still playing him? Biding her time until he lets all his walls down to make her move? What do you guys think is really going on between those two?


	18. Pronoun

**Part 18 - Pronoun  
** **Summary:** Remi has trouble with her choice of words.

She had since she'd been made– and even before that between her and herself– referred to Jane and her life as Jane as a foreign thing, something outside of her, a third person.

Jane was always _she_ or _her._ Jane, according to Remi, was never _I_ or _me._ Everything that Jane had done was _Jane's_ doing, not hers, not Remi's.

Jane's choices, Jane's actions, Jane's life, Jane's relationship, Jane's job, Jane's friends, Jane's husband… especially when it became clear that what Jane had done was not done as an undercover act or a long con, that she had indeed traded the mission and her team and her family for the FBI, for this FBI team and for Kurt.

When she rolled her eyes at Kurt presenting her with one of Jane's favorite vegan dishes, she'd push it away and mumble, "she really eat this crap? what's wrong with her?"

When she scanned the closet in their bedroom, she laughed as pulled out _another_ white t-shirt and threw it on the bed. "Was she blind?" she smirked, "or just cheap? There's absolutely nothing decent to wear in here."

This went on for a long time, and she especially enjoyed how it bothered Kurt who'd been insistent that Remi and Jane are the same person– just as Remi had always been an inaccessible part of Jane, the reverse was now correct.

He was adamant that the woman determined to take him down was the same woman who'd walked down the aisle to marry him. And she enjoyed drawing a clear distinction that they weren't.

One of them was bound to crack first but she never would have assumed it would be her.

It had been a few days after she's watched that wedding video.

"What do we usually do on a day off?" she asked him off hand as they were having breakfast on a rare day off.

"We never really have –" he stated to reply before he looked up at her with raised eyebrows, " _we?"_

It had slipped. _Dammit,_ it had accidentally slipped, and she knew that he would not let it go now.

"Whatever," she said, dropping her gaze back onto her plate, "forget it."

He studied her for a moment and then grabbed his empty mug and walked over to the coffee machine.

"We could go to Coney Island or something if you want," he suggested.

* * *

 _Well, well, well... looks like things are going to start shifting in a certain direction pretty soon..._


	19. First Dates

**Part 19 - First Dates  
Summary: **Remi remembers something. But is it a good thing that she does? Or will this memory only make things worse?

They end up going to Coney Island which was fortunately not too crowded and that allowed them to just walk around and talk a lot. Remi had a lot of questions– about Jane, about Avery, about her life before the ZIP poisoning, about their friends. She was finally showing genuine interest. Her anger had subsided slightly and was replaced by actual intrigue.

Kurt wasn't sure yet if she'd shelved her original plan to take them down but at least her animosity towards them and towards him was thawing.

And the fact that her health was deteriorating was some sort of hellish blessing in disguise. Remi could no longer hide the fact that she was sick or run away from it or deny the fact that she needed this team if she wanted to get any better.

Kurt both hated and appreciated the fact.

They were walking past one of the carnival games, the tent covered in prize stuffed animals of all sizes and kinds, when Remi suddenly stopped in her tracks. She felt tired, dizzy, and al kinds of out of sorts. the world around her was spinning and she blindly reached for Kurt, grabbing his elbow to stay up straight.

His voice seemed so far away, so distant, as he tried to call her back, and after what felt like long minutes, she could finally make sense of world around her, and of the fact that Kurt's hands were holding her up and steadying her.

"Are you ok?" she could finally hear his question when the buzzing stopped and her vision cleared.

She nodded slowly and looked up at him. "I think I just had a memory," she said, "from… of being Jane."

Kurt's eyes widened, his hold on her tightening and he waited anxiously for her to elaborate.

"I'm not sure if it was here… or some place similar," she said, "but I was happy… I was with someone… I think it was you because it was a date."

Kurt tried as much as he could to smile back when she smiled at him. She was genuinely excited and glad to have recovered a memory. She squeezed his elbow, the smile still on her lips.

"It was… it was nice," she added, "I remember I made it a challenge to win a big stuffed shark."

Kurt nodded and looked away for a moment.

At his reaction, Remi's smile dropped. "This isn't a real memory? That didn't happen?" she asked in confusion.

Kurt looked back at her and nodded. "It did," he said, slowly dropping his hands from her, "it was with a guy called Oliver, not with me."

"Oliver?" she asked.

"Oliver Kind," he explained, "you dated him for a while."

"Oh," Remi said and looked away.

They spent a few more hours before they decided to head on back, and as they sat silently in the subway, Remi couldn't stop watching Kurt.

"I'm sorry," she whispered eventually.

He turned to her with a raised eyebrow.

She looked down for a moment, twirling her fingers in her lap. "I'm sorry I didn't remember something with you," she admitted, "that I haven't yet remember anything with _us_."

Kurt smiled gently and reached for her hands, holding them gently in his. "There's nothing to apologize for," he told her, "you remembered something and that's all that matters."

Remi nodded slowly and then looked up at him, showing him in her eyes a flash of vulnerability he'd never seen before. "I want to," she admitted quietly, "I want to remember something… anything… about us, about you and me."

"You will," Kurt said as he squeezed her hands.

"I hope I do… I really want to," she said, " _more than anything._ "


	20. Coming Back

**Part 20 - Coming Back**

 **Summary:** Remi's condition gets quite worse and Patterson is there for Kurt through some hard times.

* * *

Remi's— Jane's— condition only got worse as the days and weeks passed by. Remi herself got weaker, just as Kurt believed he was getting through to her. She had not regained any of Jane's memories but she was losing some of that edge, some of the hostility and resentment she had towards him and had been genuinely growing more and more curious about her life as Jane.

But that was when things got worse. During the day it wasn't as bad— but the truth was that once he'd started paying attention he would notice moments when Remi would start slipping away just briefly.

But it got worse— much worse— at night. He wasn't a stranger to Jane having nightmares– but those weren't nightmares. She'd wake up in the middle of the night as someone else completely— just as she had woken up once as Remi with the three year memory lapse.

Sometimes she'd wake up as Remi in Afghanistan, hiding out from the US government and Orion with Chris and Nigel.

Other times, she'd still be in the battlefield, fighting for her country as a Navy Seal.

Other times she would wake up as eighteen year old Remi, panicked and asking about Avery.

Every time she wouldn't recognize him, fight him off and reject him, until it became too much and she would pass out for a moment before waking up as the Remi who'd come to know him and accept him— care for him even— and she'd beg him to fill in those missing minutes or hours.

The most terrifying to him and probably to her was when she woke up as an eight year old Alice, back at the orphanage, begging him to stop hurting Ian, swearing to do whatever they were asking her to do if he'd only stop hurting her brother, begging him to take her instead and hurt her instead of him.

He couldn't go back to sleep that night. After she'd settled down and come back, he'd spent the next few hours until morning crying.

But as much as he'd secretly wanted it to happen, one thing never did. She never came back to him as Jane, not even in those brief few minutes that were obviously more painful to her than anything. And he knew it was so selfish of him when she was so obviously suffering but he longed for just one moment when she'd look up at him and not see a stranger, or someone who was holding her against her will, or had taken her child or at the least someone she was just again learning g to trust.

This rapid decline in her health meant she had to be readmitted to the hospital for more tests and closer observation. And to his shock, Remi had gone there voluntarily.

"I'm no good to the cause if I'm dead," she'd said to him but there was something in the way she had said it and in the way she'd looked at him— and then let him take her hand and support her as they walked— that made him wonder if she still truly believed that.

He tried to divide his time equally between the hospital and the office. But he knew he was completely useless when he pulled away from her side. The team urged him to just stay with her, that they would keep him updated or even call him in if they knew anything.

But, of course, he refused, and it was not until Reade pulled rank on him that he accepted to stay away from the office. They never left him though. They took turns spending time with him– and with Jane. they came in every chance they got, and any evening they were not pulling an all nighter was spent at the hospital but at least one of them.

It was Patterson that evening who came in with fresh coffee– the decent kind not the horrible one they served at the hospital– and dinner.

They ate their dinner as she updated him on where they were in their search for a cure and for the rest of the the drives. But Jane's health was Patterson's main concern.

"What can we do?" she asked gently.

Kurt looked at her and smiled. "Just continue doing what you're doing," he replied, "find the cure. It's our only hope now."

Patterson took their food packages an threw them away. When she came back, she moved her chair closer to his.

"You don't think you'll be able to get her to remember?" she asked hesitantly and watched as his gaze fell back on Jane's unconscious body, the tears that never seem to leave these days threatening ti spill.

"Even if I do there's no guarantee Jane _will_ be back," he admittedly painfully.

"Of course she will," Patterson replied adamantly, "she chose to be Jane once before and she will do it again."

Kurt turned back to her sadly and felt her hand go to his forearm, gently brushing his arm,

"She never had Remi's memories before," he said, "it was easy to choose to be Jane because there was never really any other choice."

"Kurt-"

Patterson didn't know what to say. She felt heartbroken for them, both of them and she hated feeling so useless.

"Whoever she comes back as, she _will_ choose to come back as Jane," she repeated, "when she sees how you've not let her side, how you haven't given up on her… she wouldn't want to lose what you two have."

They were silent for a long moment, both watching Jane closely, looking between her sleeping form and the machines she was hooked up on, watching her blood pressure, her heart beat…

"If you didn't know any better, you'd think she's just another patient here… It's not different than her being sick with any other disease, right?" Kurt wiped his eyes quickly, "I wouldn't leave her side if she got the flu or cancer or anything else and I wouldn't leave her side now."

A few silent moments later, Patterson's phone buzzed. She checked her message and squeezed Kurt's arm before she got up.

"We might have something," she said and watched as he absently nodded his head.

Patterson quickly gather her things and prepared to head out. She stopped right in front of him before she left.

"You're a good man, Kurt," she said, "you're both good people. And you don't deserve any of this happening to you. We'll fix this. I know we will."

Kurt looked up at her and managed a weak smile.

"Thank you, Patterson.

She leaned in, kissing his cheek gently and then left.


	21. Losing More

**Part 21 - Losing More**

 **Summary:** Kurt Weller shares an emotional moment with a stranger at the hospital.

* * *

"Are you a nurse?" The old man asked, his voice as shaky as the tired step he took.

Kurt looked over his shoulder from where he stood by the coffee machine. The old man— wearing a blue hospital gown and leaning heavily on a walker to aid his movements— was with a woman, just as old as he was, who was clearly not a nurse.

The woman gently rubbed his back and smiled sadly. "No, dear," she said gently, "it's me, Catherine, your wife."

The man turned towards her and studied her closely, the look on his face one of utter confusion, lacking any recognition. "You are?" He asked.

The woman, Catherine, put her hand gently on his, tracing the ring on her husband's finger.

"Yes, dear," she said.

The man studied her for another moment. "Ok," the man said, turning back to take another wobbly step down the hallway, "you're pretty," he added and Kurt watched as the woman wiped the tears from her face.

It was later in the evening, a time when most hospital visitors had been asked to leave, when Kurt saw her again. She was sitting at one of the small tables in the 24 hours coffee shop in the lobby nursing a cup of tea. Kurt ordered his coffee from the young man at the counter and watched her for a moment as he waited. He'd seen her a few times during the past weeks, and almost daily at this hour in the coffee shop, just her and a cup of tea. He was sure she'd noticed him too because he often sat at the only other table there, fishing off his coffee, or at time when he could stomach it, a small sandwich before he returned to Jane's room.

He was surprised that evening when, as he walked past her to the other table, she looked up at him and smiled. "Would you like some company as you have your coffee?" She asked.

They sat together in silence for a moment, both needing the comfort and company of a stranger— as odd at that sounded.

"My husband broke his hip," she said as she stirred her tea aimlessly.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Kurt offered with an honest smile.

"We're both at that age where stepping off a sidewalk is as dangerous as sky diving," she added with a chuckle, "brittle bones and tired muscles."

Kurt nodded and watched her as she finished her drink and looked back up at him.

"But the doctor's say he is going to be ok," she added, "he was an athlete in his youth, so his bones are surprisingly strong for a man his age… it's his mind… he has an advanced stage of Alzheimer's."

"I'm sorry," Kurt said.

"Thank you," she said, "he's completely healthy otherwise. His heart, his blood pressure, sugar levels, cholesterol… everything is how it should be."

"Well, that's a good thing, right?" Kurt said, trying to offer her some consolation.

She nodded and wiped her eyes. "Yes, yes," she said, "of course."

They were quiet for another few minutes— both now finished with their drinks— before she looked at Kurt again and smiled sweetly. "I'm sorry, I'm sure you don't need an old woman telling you about her troubles late at night when I'm sure you've got a lot on your mind," she said sweetly.

Kurt shook his head. "No," he said, "it's no trouble at all, "I really do need the company," he admitted, "the long nights are the hardest… when you're alone with your thoughts-"

She nodded and reached across the table, squeezing his hand swiftly.

"I'm Catherine, by the way," she said.

"Kurt."

"How'd you and your husband meet?" He asked a few moments later.

"Through his daughter," Catherine said, "I was taking a class a few years ago on how to use the internet for old people at the community center and she was the one teaching it."

"Oh, so you've only been together a few years?" Kurt asked and Catherine nodded.

"Yes," she said, "four years next month."

"That's exactly how long Jane and I have known each other," Kurt added, the words slipping out unconsciously.

"Jane?" Catherine asked.

"My wife," Kurt explained.

He didn't need to explain that she was the woman whose bedside he had not left in weeks.

After a few moments of silence, Kurt asked, "have you been married before?"

She shook her head and smiled. "Never married before. I was too choosy," she said and didn't miss the look that momentarily overtook Kurt's face.

"I was engaged once," she said, "my childhood sweetheart but he died before we got married."

"I'm so sorry," Kurt said.

Catherine smiled and shook her head. "It was years ago," she said, "and I have Jonathan now."

"How long has he had Alzheimer's?" Kurt asked, "if you don't mind me asking."

"It's only been a few months," she said, "but it's been fast."

She told Kurt about how it had first started. Her husband's memory relapses were frequent and severe. Not only did he forget her and their relationship, but it often took him way back into the past towhee he was with his first wife.

"His first marriage wasn't a happy one," she said, "and that's not coming from me. It's what he says, and what his daughter agrees to."

Kurt listened closely as she told him more. "The first few years are good. But then his first wife showed her true colors. And she made his life hell. He only stayed with her for the sake of their kids, but once they were old enough, it was them who begged him to leave her and bring happiness back into his life. He'd suffered for years with her. But when his memory relapses, he doesn't remember any of that, only the happier times. And of course I do not have the heart to speak ill of her especially not when he looks at me and only sees a stranger, only sees this old woman who has taken the place of his young beautiful wife."

"It must be hard," Kurt whispered, "how do you… how do you find the strength to stay by his side?"

Catherine looked at Kurt and smiled— a smile so bright and confident it erased all the pain that had been on her face as she'd told him their story.

"I love him," she said, "I love him and I know he loves me, even if he can't remember at time, and that is all the strength that I need."

"My wife's going through something not so different," Kurt found himself saying before he could filter the words and realize he was opening up to a complete stranger.

"Not Alzheimer's but she's having memory… problems," he said, "she woke up and her mind was stuck almost four years in the past… and she wasn't in a great place then."

He suddenly caught up with his own admissions and shook his head. "I'm sorry," he said, "you've got enough to deal with, you don't need me unloading my troubles on you."

Catherine smiled and and squeezed his hand. "Something tells me you need to get it off your chest," she said, "I just unloaded my problems onto you. So you're welcome to do the same."

Kurt opened his mouth to protest again, but she stopped him. "I have a feeling you're not usually the type to open up," she said, "especially not to a stranger."

Kurt chuckled and shook his head. "I'm not," he said, "in fact, before Jane, I didn't even know how to talk to anyone. She taught me how to be more… comfortable with that."

"Well then," Catherine said, "for Jane's sake, if you want to, I'm here and I'm willing to listen."

He considered her offer for a moment, and considered the fact that even then, their story was still a matter of governmental clearance, many of its details off limits to this sweet stranger offering him her shoulder to lean on.

"Before we met, Jane was in a very… dark place," he finally said, "she didn't have the greatest childhood and her life had been a series of… horrible things. She was angry, and bitter, and closed up… she made some tough decisions and some bad ones because of the world that she'd grew up in."

"But that changed, didn't it?" Catherine said.

Kurt nodded. "In the past few years, she's managed to do so much good," he said, "she'd found peace and redemption and purpose."

"Thanks to you?"

He shook his head. "I can't take credit for any of it," he admitted, "it is all her. She finally got away from the world she'd been forced to live in, and her innate goodness, her compassion, got a chance to shine through. She has a good heart. She's always had a good heart. I cannot take credit for that. I am the one who owes everything to her. I am who I am today because of her. She made me a better person. Makes me want to be better."

"And now her brain thinks she's back in that world, back to being that person," Catherine said and he nodded.

"You're afraid you're going to lose her?" She asked and Kurt nodded.

"Can you love this version of her like you did the other one?" She asked him bluntly, and Kurt just stared at her for a moment. He thought to the past few weeks with Remi, getting to know her and getting to spend time with her. As painful as it had been to have Jane with him but not have her there, to watch her health deteriorate and her mind fail her—

"You fell in love with her once before, right?" Catherine asked, puling him out of his thoughts, and he did not hesitate to nod.

"I've fallen in love with her every single day since I've met her," he admitted.

"And she fell in love you once before as well?" Catherine asked.

He smiled and nodded. "I'd like to think so."

"Then she will again. In matters of the heart, the head will always come in second place. If her heart has chosen you once before, then it will do so again. And again. And again. And that's the beauty of it."

Later, after he'd said good night to his new friend, Kurt found his way back to Jane's room. He took his place in the chair by her bed, the chair he had spent the past week in, and took her hand in both of his. He leaned his elbows on the bed, pressed the back of her hand to his lips and allowed himself to cry.

He wasn't sure how long he'd been like that when he felt something, and for a moment he just assumed it was his own sobs, his own body jerking, but then he felt it again, it's a slight flutter against his cheek, a tickle against his beard. And he opened his eyes slowly, his gaze immediately going to her face and that was when he heard it— an almost impossible whisper.

"Kurt?"


	22. A New Beginning

**Part 22 - A New Beginning  
** **Summary:** She wakes up. But who is she really? Jane? Or Remi?

* * *

It had been three days since they'd administered the drug. One of Shepherd's contacts had finally come through, and while it may not have been a cure, it at least had proven to slow the process of the poisoning down. It would give them time, and that was all they could ask for then.

They weren't sure who she would wake up as when– _if_ – she did wake up. Kurt did not care– as long as she did wake up. It was a one day at a time process. And as long as she was alive, he would put his own personal needs aside until they find a real cure.

Kurt had left the cafeteria, having spent some time with his new friend whose husband had Alzheimer's and returned to Jane's bedside some time ago. He wasn't sure how long he'd been like that when he felt something, and for a moment he just assumed it was his own sobs, his own body jerking, but then he felt it again, it's a slight flutter against his cheek, a tickle against his beard. And he opened his eyes slowly, his gaze immediately going to her face and that was when he heard it— an almost impossible whisper.

"Kurt?"

He blinked a few times, having had this heartbreaking dream too many times already but she said his name again and reached for him, and her touch felt more real than ever before.

He opened his mouth to speak, but just then realized he wasn't sure what name he should use. When she'd collapsed, she had been Remi. Who was she now?

He let his hopeful side win at that vulnerable moment and he said, "Jane?"

Hearing her name— _her_ name— caused the floodgates to open and she found herself crying. Just like that, it all came back to her.

She was Jane. And she was Remi. And she was Alice. She closed her eyes, the tears burning her eyelids as they still managed to escape and the memories came rushing through her.

She remembered everything. _Everything_. And it was almost too overwhelming to bear.

She remembered her life as Alice, her family, the orphanage. She remembered her life as Remi, Shepherd and Roman, losing Avery, joining Orion, her country's betrayal, her plan to infiltrate the FBI and take them down. She remembered her life as Jane, meeting Kurt and the team, the CIA black site, taking down Sandstorm, marrying Kurt, leaving Colorado, coming back, reuniting with Avery and losing Roman. She remembered coming back as Remi, trying to rebuild Sandstorm, going behinds the team's back, _behind Kurt's back,_ sabotaging their missions and planning a phase three.

She couldn't breathe. She couldn't think. She felt the world around her collapsing and the only thing that brought her back from going deeper into the darkness was Kurt's voice. It somehow managed to break through all those memories, all the pain.

"Jane," his whisper broke through, "Jane, come back to me. I'm right here, please come back to me."

It was foggy and heavy and pulling her down, like quicksand, and the only thing pulling her back up was his voice.

So she focused on that, seeking strength from it, and then it was his touch— his hand on her shoulder her back, up and down her arm, his lips against her ear as he whispered, urging her back to him.

He held her as she cried and panicked and as her sobs began to subside and her breathing steadied. Finally, after what felt like hours, she pulled back and wiped her tears and he knew he should page the nurses but he was not letting her go, not yet. Slowly, she opened her eyes and found his waiting for her, nervously, lovingly.

And she somehow managed to smile just because he was there.

"Jane?" He asked again and she nodded.

She was Jane.

She was Jane and she was Remi and she was Alice. It would take a long time for her to reconcile and understand what that meant, but one thing was crystal clear. She was Jane. Her past, her sins, her crimes, her mistakes— they were all a part of her and something she now knew of and understood and had to carry with her.

But at the end of the day, she was Jane. That was who she chose to be.

"I remember everything," she said.

He nodded slowly, waiting for it all to set in, and she smiled again. "I remember all of it," she said, "I-"

Suddenly, a foreign feeling interrupted her own thoughts and her gaze fell to her hand which Kurt was holding tightly in his, brushing his fingers against her skin. She pulled it away and saw the ring missing from her finger. She closed her eyes and tried to remember.

"Did she take it off?" She asked, speaking of Remi, "Did _I_ take it off?"

Kurt saw her panic and quickly shook his head. He gently pressed his lips to her temple.

"No… no, the nurse did because the IV was making your hand swell," he reassured her and quickly shifted to pull it out of his pocket, "I held on to it for you."

Once again, she found herself wiping her tears as she watched him slide it back on her finger.

"I think we should call in your nurse," he said as he looked up at her, realizing they couldn't prolong the inevitable. The most important thing now was to run the tests, to find out if this is not just another fluke.

Minutes later, the room was buzzing with nurses and doctors, running tests and studying results. And Kurt still sat on the edge of Jane's bed holding her to him and waiting. They weren't telling them anything, not yet anyway, and they could both feel the nerves between them.

"Kurt, if something happens to me–" Jane finally said, turning in his arms and whispering for only him to hear.

"Don't say that," he interrupted her. He'd spent way too long thinking o al the worst possible outcomes, and now that he as awake, he was done doing that.

"Kurt–" she tried again, pulling out of his embrace and looking towards where the doctors were gathered.

"You're going to be fine. We will–" he interrupted her again, refusing to even acknowledge the alternative.

She reached for him then, one hand on his arm and the other on his face, gently caressing her bearded cheek, silently urging him to listen to her.

"Kurt, Roman had been trying to find a cure for two years and he couldn't–" he spoke logically.

" _We_ _will,"_ Kurt insisted, his voice confident and strong.

Jane closed her eyes and shook her head. She knew he wouldn't allow for the worst case scenario just then. She could not even imagine what it must have been like for him all these weeks, watching her lie there unconscious and unresponsive to any medication.

"How can you be so sure?" She asked him.

"Because the other option is not acceptable," he replied honestly, vulnerably.

"Kurt–"

"Roman was alone," he said, "he had no one fighting along with him. You're not. You're _not_ alone. You have the team working night and day. You have Avery. You have me. I won't let anything happen to you."

He looked at him, allowed his confidence to take over her, and leaned into him, wrapping her arms around his waist and clinging on to him tightly.

"I'm scared," she whispered her admission and felt him wrap his arms around her and gold her just as tightly.

"I know," he said, "I am too."

They held on to each other. They didn't let go as the doctors updated them on her situation, or after the doctors left and told them to just get some rest and that they would know more in the morning.

They held on to each other for a long time.

"Don't give up on me," she finally said, whispering her words into his chest, where her face rested above his heart.

"Never," he replied, pulling her even closer and pressing his lips to the top of her head, " _never_."

It was a few days later that the doctors allowed her to be discharged— the diagnosis as promising as they could ask for. The drug they'd administered had slowed down the poisoning and they had enough information now to develop a cure based on Roman's information and the drug that Shepherd's contact provided.

"What do we do now?" She asked as they packed the small bag of her things.

"What we've always done," he replied, smiling at her, "we get back up, we gear up, we get ready and we go kick some ass and fix this mess."

She smiled back at him and rose on her tip topes to press her lips against his cheek.

"And then can we quit?" She asked.

"Then we can do whatever you want," he promised her.

"I want everything to slow down," she said, "I want to… I want to just be married to you. I don't want anything else."

His smile widened, reaching his eyes and he pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her waist and kissing her slowly. "I think that can be arranged," he said.


	23. Just Breathe

**Part 23 - Just Breathe  
** **Summary:** This is a short little plotless drabble

It's strange– Jane has never remembered so much of her life as she does in that moment– but still it's all very strange. There's so much to come to terms with, so much to reconcile, so much to make sense of. The world seems to be spinning faster than it ever has before and she knows the minute she steps out of this hospital room she will be faced with a world that will take everything from her to fix– her own handiwork being the main reason everything is so messed up. She sees him watching her, his eyes never having left her since she woke up a few hours ago, and she finds herself smiling. At least one thing has not changed. She reaches for him and he's sitting on the edge of her bed, taking her hand, before she's even completely turned around to face him.

And in all that madness, in all the chaos and screaming in her head, Kurt is there to make it all possible– every obstacle has always felt easier to overcome when he's by her side. She wraps her arms around his waist and holds him for a moment, allowing his heartbeat to be the only presence to surround her.

When she pulls back, she takes his face in her hands, her fingers brushing against the familiar feel of his beard, her eyes drowning in the familiar warmth of his. She focuses on him and only him and once again, everything seems to be less terrifying.

One hand leaves his cheek and she finds herself running her fingers through his hair.

"Your hair's so long," she whispers, and he chuckles because it's the first thing— or at least one of the first things– she has said since she has woken up with all her memories.

"Haven't had much time to cut it," he replies and closes his eyes when both her hands are in his hair and she pulls him closer to rest her forehead against his.

"I like it."

"You do, huh?" he asks, smiling as he feels her breath warm against his lips. He knows they have a lot to deal with, so many things to undo and so many more problems to fix. But what matters now is that she's awake, she has her memories back, and for the timing being, it's all that matters.

He feels her thread her fingers through his hair and nod. "I do," she says as she pulls back, smiling shyly and biting her lip when she sees the look no his face.

She finally drops her hands from his hair, resting them on his shoulders and they still cannot look away from each other.

"You know," he says playfully, "your hair's gotten pretty long too."

She raises an eyebrow at him and reach back behind her head. Her hair's been put in a bun by the nurses and when she lets it drop, she feels it brush her back, just between her shoulder blades, right above where his name is inked on her skin.

"Oh," she whispers, giving herself a moment to adjust to the feeling. She'd had it short for a while now and readjusting to it brushing against her neck and shoulders takes a brief moment.

She runs her fingers through it and then looks up at him, sees him watching her lovingly and when she drops her hand, he's quick to replace it, brushing his fingers through her locks and his fingertips gently massaging her skin, from her scalp down to her neck and back.

"I like it," he whispers as he pulls her close, pressing his forehead to hers as she had done just a few minutes before.


	24. Video Messages

**Video Messages  
Summary:** A few days after Jane comes back, and while she is still hospitalized, she receives a video message.

Jane buries her head against Kurt's chest and clutches the pillow tightly against her. Kurt's asleep, snuggling behind her on her hospital bed, but she hasn't been able to. She has been sleeping for over a week, she'd told him when he was fighting his own need to sleep. She urged him to get some rest and promised she wouldn't do anything to exert herself. She had Kurt's phone in her hand as she watched the video Allie had sent earlier that day. She'd watched it about fifty times already but it is the only thing in this whole situation that was so pure and so not problematic. She foolishly believes if she watches it enough times, it would make everything else more bearable and less catastrophic.

So she clicks on the message again and watches as Bethany's face takes over the whole screen.

"Hi Mama Jane!" the little girls smiles into the camera as her mother holds the phone steady, "Mommy told me you aren't sick anymore! Does that mean you and Daddy will come visit us soon? I want to show you all my new drawings!"

Bethany beams with excitement and then rushes away to get her drawings. Allie reverses the camera and apologizes, smiling sweetly and wishing Jane a quick recovery before she ends the call to go after the three year old.

Jane puts the phone down and wipes away her tears. She feels Kurt's arm tighten around her and she shifts to bury herself deeper into his embrace.

He kisses the top of her head and sleepily mumbles, "everything's going to be ok."


	25. One of Us

**Part 25 - One of Us**

 **Summary:** Rich weighs in. Kurt listen.

* * *

It had been a long day.

Hell.

It had been a long six months.

Granted, he'd spent three of them in a coma. But he woke up to a world more terrifying than the one he'd left.

The last thing he'd remembered when he woke up was Rich, Reade and Patterson were telling him that Jane was suffering from ZIP morning.

He woke expecting his wife to be sick— not gone. It hadn't taken him long to figure out the woman posing as his wife was not Jane but Remi.

It also hadn't taken him long to reach the conclusion that no, she was still his wife. The relapse to Remi was a result of her sickness. And he would do anything and everything to help her, to find a cure and to stop her body from trying to kill her.

She hadn't made it easy. And the fact hat she'd been running around for three months trying to fulfill her initial goals— burn the FBI to the ground— hadn't made things easier either.

While he had tried to work with Remi, the team was busy cleaning up after three months of Remi's sabotaging and rebuilding of Sandstorm. They were simultaneously trying to track down Roman's drives and find a cure to the ZIP poisoning.

But finally, three months later, there was finally hope on the horizon. He didn't want to get his hopes up too much, but he couldn't help himself. For the first time in six months, she'd woken up as Jane— not once, not twice, but for the third day in a row.

And for the first time since she'd been admitted to the hospital, he had left her side.

And he wouldn't have if it hadn't been urgent and if it wasn't only going to take twenty minutes after she'd gone to sleep and Patterson was by her side.

There were sensitive documents he had to sign— documents not even Reade could authorize to leave the building to have him sign them at the hospital.

He made a quick run to the NYO. It was almost midnight and he hadn't expected to find anyone other than Reade there so when the unexpected voice rang through SIOC as he left Reade's office, he jumped back a little.

"Can I buy you a drink?"

Rich was sitting at one of the stations, watching Kurt closely.

"I have to head back to the hospital," Kurt said.

Rich got up and grabbed his jacket off the back of the chair. "I know you do," he said, "there's a bar a block away. Just one drink."

Kurt checked his watch quickly and then, to his own surprise, he nodded.

The walk to the bar was a quick, and for the first few minutes they said very little beyond ordering their drinks.

"Do you know that the day you guys crashed the party at the Hamptons is my favorite day ever?" Rich said.

Kurt chuckled. "If I remember correctly, we arrested you, you lost your fortunes and lost your status among the dark web community," Kurt replied.

Rich nodded and smiled. "All true," he said, "but it was all worth it."

Kurt wanted to roll his eyes. He'd gotten used to Patterson being the emotional one over the past weeks but not Rich.

"And no, I'm not talking about the way things turned out now," he explained, "although technically we can trace my makeover all the way back to that fateful day. But let's be honest, it took many more ups and downs before I was ready— and you guys were ready— for me to leave my dark roots for good."

"What then?" Kurt asked as their drinks arrived.

"Meeting you guys, you and Jane, you have no idea what a thrill that was," Rich said.

"I know," Kurt replied, narrowing his eyes, "you suggested a threesome two minutes after meeting us."

Rich smiled fondly at the memory, his eyebrows jumping up momentarily. "Ah yes, of course I did," he said, "but do you blame me? You have absolutely no idea what a force you two were— are."

"You guys walk into a room and you absolutely own it," he said, "in every way that matters. And that day at the Hamptons—"

He let out a huff and shook his head. "I'd been excited to meet you even before. A married world class assassin couple. I was expected to be blown away— but you two were… you were something else. I have to admit as turned on as I was by the whole thing, I was kind of overwhelmed. You two were the sexiest thing I'd ever seen, sweeping in looking like James and Jane Bond, moving together like an orchestrated ballet that's takes decades to perfect. You two would share one look and I felt the room go into flame—"

"Rich-"

"I'm sorry," Rich said honestly as he took a sip of his drink, "I don't mean to make you uncomfortable. But what I'm trying to say is… that day was one of the most unforgettable days of my life but it took me a long time to understand just how important it was."

He took another sip while Kurt eyed him closely before he spoke again.

"You two changed my life."

"When Reade brought me in the first time to consult, I had second thoughts, for a number of reasons obviously, but mostly because I heard you two were no longer with the FBI," Rich admitted, "I thought _where's_ _the_ _fun_ _in_ _that_?"

Kurt shook his head and chuckled. "But then I asked Reade why you two were no longer there, and he told me… well, he gave me an abridged version. And after throwing a fit that I didn't know you two had gotten married, he told me why Jane had left."

"I'd known by then a little of Jane's past. I knew what kind of place she'd come from before she joined the FBI," he smirked as he added, "mainly because I snooped around the FBI database a little bit. But then I remembered something Jane had said to me once. She said that she believed everyone could change and that there was good in everyone. Even me."

Kurt nodded.

"At that time, I had thought it was just a line. You know, something Feds use to get you to cooperate," Rich admitted, "but then I realized that she had truly believed it because she had to. She had to believe it because that was the only way she'd accept herself," he added, "and even though you'd been an ass that day, I know now that you too believe it because you fell in love with her– the woman who'd chosen change, and chosen to become a better version of herself."

"And then you guys came back and I got the chance to work with you," Rich smiled for a moment, "you don't get but working with you two… don't tell the others but it's something else. It's still overwhelming every single time. It's like something out of this world."

"Rich-"

"I'm sorry, I'm making it weird again, aren't I?" Rich took another sip of his drink, "I just wanted to say that I owe this to you two… my new life, my new chance at being a good person, my belonging to something bigger than myself."

"She's going to pull through," Rich said as they finished their drinks, "I know she will because what she has here and now is worth fighting for, is worth giving up everything that was before to keep and hold on to."

"Thanks, Rich," Kurt finally said, genuinely touched by the former hacker's honest confession.

And as they got up to leave, Rich picking up the bill as promised, Kurt patted him on the shoulder and said, "I'm glad you're one of us now. This team needs you. _We_ need you."


	26. Every Single Day

**Part 26 - Every** **Single** **Day**

 **Summary** : she's desperate to hold on to that one memory.

* * *

Kurt wakes up in the middle of the night to an empty bed and the faint light of the tv leads him to the living room. It's quiet because she has the volume muted and she sits in the corner, wrapped in a blanket with her eyes fixed on the screen. With a couple of steps he's standing on the other side of the couch and his gaze falls on their wedding video playing on the tv.

"Jane?" He asks gently and she tears her gaze away for a moment to look at him.

He sits down next to her, his hand on her bent knee and his thumb rubbing gently.

"Everything ok?"

She nods but her chin quivers and there are tears already down her cheeks.

He wipes them gently, leaning forward to kiss her face where the salty taste lingers.

"I'm scared," she mumbles as she grabs his hand. Her hold is tight, as though if she let go he would disappear.

He brings his free hand to the back of her head, his finger get lost in her hair and he pulls her closer, pressing his forehead to hers.

"I'm scared I'll forget this again," she sobs quietly, "that I'll forget you. Forget us."

He nods slowly and manages to pull her onto his lap. He holds her tightly, rocking her back and forth as she cries.

"I won't," he promises, "I will never forget and I'll be here to remind you. Every day if I have to."

"I don't want to forget marrying you ever again," she whispers into his neck.

"I know," he kisses her head.

"What if next time the memories don't return?"

"Then we'll get married again," he says and she pulls back just enough to look at him and to see the seriousness in his look.

"I'll marry you every single day for the rest of my life if that's it will take."


	27. Time

**Time  
** **Summary:** Not every single memory is a happy memory.

* * *

He finds her in the bathroom, her back to the door and her shoulders hunched. She's been through a lot, they both have, and from the subtle way her body is shaking, he approaches her carefully.

He whispers her name but before he's even close enough to her, he realizes what she has in her hands.

They'd bought the pregnancy test together with plans for her to finally take it after their friends had left that fateful evenings months ago. They hadn't needed it to know she wasn't pregnant.

He says nothing, just closes the gap between them and wraps his arms around her, hugging her tighter than he's ever had before.

"I was so sure—" she whispers between sobs and he just nods, pressing his lips to her neck, her jaw, her cheek.

So much has happened since that evening and since she's come back as herself just a few days ago. They haven't had the chance to talk about what had filled their hearts with so much joy for just a few hours.

"We have time," he promises her, "we still have so much time."

She drops the test back on the counter and turns around in his arms. She buries her face in his chest, crying in earnest and he just holds her, giving release to his own tears that he's kept at bay for months now.

"All that matters is that you're here," he tells her and presses her closer against his chest, "all that matters is that you're back."


	28. Laughter

**Part 28 - Laughter**

Her laughter travels through the apartment and it is the only thing he can hear. And it's the most beautiful sound he has ever heard. It's loud and crowded– the team is there, as are Allie, Connor and Bethany, and Avery of course, and Sarah and Sawyer who had only just arrived an hour earlier. But despite the overwhelming presence of their loved ones, and the noises of chatter and plates and glasses, her laughter is the only thing he hears.

And even though what Patterson is telling him is rather interesting, she loses him in that moment, as his eyes travel from her over towards where Jane sits with Allie and Bethany in her lap, laughing at something Bethany has just done. And for the longest moment, he cannot take his eyes off of her.

Just a few days ago, she'd been lying in that hospital bed, all hopes of a cure slipping through their fingers. He'd held her hand in his then– unsure if it was Remi or Jane who was in there, fighting to survive– but at that point he did not care. His wife was dying and he'd stay by her side, fight as long as she was fighting.

And now, there she is. Alive and well and healthy, and very much the woman he had married.

And it is as though she can feel his gaze on her because she looks over her shoulder just then and looks at him. Her amused smile turns into something else– something only he understands, something only he ever gets to see.

And god, has he missed that look. She gently bites her lip and he watches as Allie picks Bethany off Jane's lap without a word.

Patterson chuckles and shakes her head as she watches Jane walk towards them. "Want me to get everyone to leave?" she teases him and he turns to her and laughs.

"No, of course not," he replies.

Jane joins them and Kurt's arm immediately finds its way around her waist.

Patterson laughs again and squeezes Jane's shoulder before she leaves the two of them alone.

"Hi," he whispers as he looks down at Jane.

"Hi," she replies, rising up slightly to press a quick kiss to his lips.

"How do you feel?" he asks her and she smiles, resting her head against his chest and looking around at the crowded apartment.

"Like I've finally come home."


	29. A Future

**A Future**  
 **Summary:** There comes a time when you're allowed to have hope– to make plans. Nothing but fluff. It's almost disgusting.

 **AN:** Happy Blindspot day, peeps! I'm not gonna say that I planned this so that the final chapter gets posted on the same day that Blindspot returns, but here we are! I hope you enjoy this one final installment!

* * *

She could feel her eyelids get heavier and heavier. The exhaustion— happy, satisfied exhaustion— was finally taking its toll on her and she had to way to stop the smile that slowly pulled at her lips. She was seconds away from falling asleep.

But he wasn't.

She could still feel his rapid heartbeat and his fingers that stroked every inch of her skin that he had access to.

"Aren't you going to get some sleep?" She mumbled sleepily, smiling when he tightened his hold on her.

"Not if I can help it," he replied honestly.

His answer caught her slightly off guard, especially in the tone in which he said it— nothing playful about it. She pushed herself up, propping herself up against his chest and looked at him worriedly. "Are you ok?" She asked.

He was looking back at her with an intensity that took her breath away— his hold on her still strong, fingers still tracing the lines and shapes of her tattoos and brow furrowed. "Kurt—"

"I'm ok," he replied, his gaze growing warmer, less intense, the longer she held it with hers, looking at him with nothing but love and concern. He pressed his hand against the small of her back, silently urging her to move up as he met her halfway for a slow kiss.

"Then what is it?" she asked again, knowing him to well to know that he was not entirely as ok as he claimed. She knew when there was something on his mind. Her doubts were confirmed when he just looked at her for another moment and then looked away, his minds obviously wrestling with something. She pulled herself up then, sitting back against the headboard and waited for him to do the same. She remained close to him, her body pressed completely against him, her one leg tangled up between his, and shifted just enough to face him. She took his face in her and moved to close the gap between them, pressing her forehead against his, brushing her nose against his and before she kissed him, she whispered softly, "I love you."

There was a hint of a smile on his lips when she pulled back and that allowed for a sense of relief to wash over her for a moment.

"Talk to me," she urged him gently as she pulled back just enough to allow for some space between them, to be able to look at him fully when he spoke. Another moment passed before he finally answered, letting out a deep sigh and managing a smile before he did. He blindly took her hand in his between then and threaded his fingers through hers.

"I'm just… I'm just _so_ grateful to have you back," he admitted, "sometimes it's almost impossible to believe that you're here _with me_ , that you're safe and healthy and _you."_

She could feel the tension in him as he spoke, the nightmare he had to live for the past few months in the pressure of his hand in hers, in the way his entire body shuddered at the memories. She leaned into him, pressing her face into the crook of his neck and bringing their joined hands between them to rest against both their hearts.

"There were times when I really thought I had lost you forever," he admitted, "I know I promised that I would never give up but… it wasn't easy."

He was quiet for a few minutes, with the two of them just holding on to each other, listening to their hearts beat in sync with one another. "I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough," he whispered and she swore she could feel her heart shatter at his words. She pulled back again then, to look at him, to have him look at her when she spoke to him the words she needed him to hear. Once again, her hands went to his face, fingers gently caressing his cheeks and she made sure he looked at her when she spoke. "Don't say that," she said adamantly, "don't ever say that. You were— you _are_ — stronger than anyone else I know. I cannot imagine how hard it must have been and I know I could not have made it back if you hadn't been so strong for the both of us."

He nodded slowly as he took her words in. "I tried to— I wanted—" the weight of his emotions were threatening to get the best of him but after everything they've been through it was bound to happen. He hadn't realized he had been crying until she pressed her thumbs against his cheekbones, wiping his tears away and then moved in to kiss the wet skin beneath his eyes.

"When you left Colorado, and I spent all those months looking for you, I never thought that I wouldn't find you or that you were gone forever," he said, "I always knew that we'd find each other again. But this time… this was so much bigger… I didn't know what we were fighting, what we were up against."

"I can only be strong when I know you've got my back," he said softly.

She nodded and moved one hand to the back of his head, threading her fingers through his hair. "And I'm only ever strong because you give me strength."

They held on to each other for a long time, wrapped up in each other, letting the weight of their words settle between them and the peace they brought to spread through them.

"I'm the luckiest person in the world," she whispered against his chest, "I never imagined I'd find someone like you or be lucky to be with someone like you."

"I know what you mean," he whispered and brushed his lips against her temple, "I'd given up a long time before I'd met you."

She felt another batch of tears fill in her eyes— happy tears this time— and she sat up, brushing her lips across his shoulder as she did. She shifted around and sat on his lap, planting her knees on both sides of his thighs and sitting to face him. She rested her hands on his shoulders, her thumbs brushing across his skin.

"You know what I've been thinking?" She asked him with a smile.

He returned her smile just as sweetly, bringing his own hands to her waist and holding her in his lap. "What?" He replied.

"Now that I have all my memories, that I remember my whole life—"

She cut herself off with a shake of her head, just when she realized that worry had returned to his features— that had not been her intention.

So she shook her head at him and her smile widened. She brushed her fingers against the back of his neck and placed a quick kiss on his lips. "Let me finish," she whispered with a tease. He chuckled in response and nodded. "Yes, ma'am," he said and pulled her just a fraction closer.

"I realized that my whole life I never had the chance to dream of a future," she said, "when Roman and I were in the orphanage, it was all about survival, how to make it from one day to the next and stay alive."

A flash of pain washed over her face as she spoke about her tragic childhood and the brother she'd recently lost. She felt his thumbs gently stroke her sides and she smiled appreciatively, more so when he pressed a quick kiss to her shoulder.

"When Shepherd took us in… as much as it was better than the orphanage, there was never an atmosphere that was conducive of making long term plans at what we wanted our lives to be. She ran our home like a soldier," Jane explained, "we had short term plans— finish this school year, learn this new language— things like that. And then I was only sixteen when I had Avery and ran away to join the military."

"And then, after I came back, it was all about planning how to take down the government," she added, "phase one and phase two and what should happen if this fails or that fails. It was planning, but it was not _that_ kind of planning. It was not about planning for our futures. We were soldiers. We had no futures, at least no futures that were worth wasting time on."

He knew she was telling this not as a complaint and not to seek any sympathy or condolences. He was, as always, in awe of her strength, her resilience and her ability to overcome the unsurmountable. How she managed to make him fall in love with her more and more every day was beyond him. She never ceased to amaze him— to take his breath away.

"And then after Times Square, every day was a mission," she said, "we had a job to do, an evil to put an end to, a terrorist to stop," she said, "these tattoos were too important to be ignored and life once again was a day-to-day survival battle."

She smiled then, looping her arms around his neck and pulling herself forward until she was flush against him. "And then we got married," she whispered, "and I thought that _finally_ we'd have a chance at something normal."

He smiled at the memories of that day, of those months early in their relationship when everything felt like it was out of a dream.

"But that didn't last very long, and well… I mean, you know the rest as well as I do," she chuckled and he smiled.

She felt him shift towards her slightly and rest his forehead against hers.

"I don't want to just think about tomorrow anymore," she whispered, "we never know what the future hold but we can't just let it control us. I'm tired of not being allowed to dream of my own future."

"Me too," he replied softly.

"I want to make plans," she said, "I want to make plan with you."

She pulled back and looked at him, seeing the look in his eyes match hers— full of love and hope.

"I want to make plans for this weekend," she said with a wide smile on her lips, "I want to make plans for next month, and for a summer vacation. I want us to make plans for next year and the one after that. I don't care if we ever get to do them or not but I just want to have the freedom to do so. I want us to make plans for Thanksgivings and Christmases. I want us to make retirement plans!"

He laughed at that and shook his head. "It's a little early for that one, don't you think?"

She shook her head and bit her lip. "I don't care," she shrugged.

He laughed again and pulled her close, stealing the laughter from her lips with a kiss and flipping them over, with he now on her back, he steadied himself above her on his elbows.

"What else do you want to plan?" He asked.

"I don't know," she replied, "whatever you want. All I know is that I want a future and I want to spend it all with you."

"I think we can do that," he said, kissing her again.

"And I know I want us to have a baby," she whispered when he pulled back.

"I want us to have a baby," she repeated softly.

He pushed back to look at her properly, his fingers brushing against her cheek and he smiled.

"I want that, too," he said.


End file.
